Long time no see
Last time I posted, it was Easter Day, and I spoke about having a chat with the vicar, and finding someone to talk to about how I felt.
Well, I had a chat with the vicar, I was desperate to know what he thought, whether he could see it in me (being a vicar that is). After a talk for about an hour he did say he thought perhaps he could see something, which to my ears was like pure aural gold. Nothing could have sounded sweeter. Only thing was, I wasn't sure if it was the right time to be going anywhere with it, and was concerned that perhaps I was mistaking things. I hoped against hope that I wasn't, but needed to be sure. So a visit to a vocations advisor was suggested, to have a general chat about vocations in general.
The time came. She had asked me to write about my journey so far and why I felt the way I did, so off I went armed with a rather larger than I think she expected essay. She knew in advance how I felt, but needed to talk about vocations in general, hence my visiting her. Anyway in I go. Less than half an hour later, I am stood outside feeling downright upset and quite miserable and insulted to boot. From just 15 minuted she was trying to get me gone, after saying I was still a child as far as "The Church" was concerned, and how could someone like me dare to imagine that I could serve the church, that there was a place in the church for someone like me? Which I suppose she may have had a point with regards the first point, as I had only returned for just under a year and a half at that point. But she also said to me that I was nowhere near academic enough to study, and wouldn't be able to cope, even with reader training, which I would have accepted if she had been right, or had something on which to base her comments. But she said that within a few minutes of me meeting her, with no prior knowledge of my background, my history or my education, and I would still love to know how she felt she could jump to so wild a conclusion. That hurt, as I have always considered myself an intelligent person. Eventually after about 20 minutes I could stall her no longer and I was being sent on my way. Her parting words were not to come back for at least 18 months, oh and don't talk to the vicar about it in that time either!
Why???? Maybe I could understand being told to go away for a year and a half, but why cant I talk to the vicar. Did I have the word "thicko" tattooed across my forehead, perhaps it said "nutter, steer clear" instead?
I was so upset and confused after the meeting I didn't know what to do. I thought I had gone there for a general chat,but instead... well.
I had a really good think going over and over in my mind why she may have said and did what she did and eventually because I was hurting so much from being summarily dismissed, I came to the conclusion that really, I was infact utterly deluded, the vicar had only been kind to me, but really thought me totally unsuitable, and had sent me off to see her so I would get the message. I was in such a bad way, and it took me months literally to try to get over how much I had been hurt.
The Sunday following, at church, I decided to tell the vicar that I had seen her and that she had told me to go away, perhaps I shouldn't have done, but I told him some of what she said, including not talking to him. I suppose really I shouldn't have done, but I was so angry and upset at the time, that quite frankly I didn't care what she had said regarding that. The vicars reaction was not one I expected, I genuinely thought he would say it was for the best, or to give it time, but he was furious, at that point I regretted saying anything, I didn't want to upset him. He said that she had no right to behave like that, and he was fed up of hearing about the way she treated people (apparently I wasn't the only one upset with her), he said he would have to do something, and I asked him not to. My intention was not to cause trouble when I told him.
I don't know whether the vicar did do anything I have never had the courage to ask him since. What she said, and her attitude towards me led me to believe that the whole church was the same, and I wanted nothing to do with it for quite some time. I didn't stop going though, I couldn't have done that. But I wasn't in the best of minds with regards to it all. It is only in the last couple of weeks that I feel I am returning to normal. Hence why I have not posted in all this time. the result was that I could not ever imagine someone like me becoming a vicar, so on one hand it was there in my heart the whole time, never leaving, and on the other I was trying to convince myself how utterly deluded I was. I was not in a good place and I very nearly succeeded. It hurt, hurt like hell and it was so lonely. I felt that I couldn't talk to anyone, especially not the vicar, as I really thought that he would tell me I was being pathetic. For a time, I genuinely thought that God had left me. I felt empty, spare and worthless. I have no idea why I let what one person said get to me so much. No idea at all.
Anyway. The person I spoke of in my last post, has become a good friend, and we regularly meet up after church on the Sunday evening for chats. We have started a bible study group on Wednesdays too, It started out as a prayer group, but somewhere along the way it seemed to work better as a Bible study group, so we stuck with what worked.
And as of last Saturday we started a course run by the diocese in partnership with Worcester university, a certificate of higher education in education and Christian discipleship. It is a two year course, done part time, and is equivalent to the first year of a degree. The course is a mixture of academic and hands on stuff, and for the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about the future.
I know it may appear as though I am only doing it to prove the vocations adviser wrong, but, I can assure you I am not. I am doing the course because it feels right. Nor am I under any illusions that it may further my chances of becoming a vicar, as I realise it will not, and I am not doing it for that reason.
So, there, I am up to date. Will probably keep updated from now on again, say how the course is going, and if or when I decide to talk about vocations with anyone again.
