Wow. Such a long long time since I last posted. time has flown away at a rate of knots since I last posted on here. So, what has been happening I hear you ask? Well not much, and quite a lot all at the same time.
Last time I posted, it was Easter Day, and I spoke about having a chat with the vicar, and finding someone to talk to about how I felt.
Well, I had a chat with the vicar, I was desperate to know what he thought, whether he could see it in me (being a vicar that is). After a talk for about an hour he did say he thought  perhaps he could see something,  which to my ears was like pure aural gold. Nothing could have sounded sweeter. Only thing was, I wasn't sure if it was the right time to be going anywhere with it, and was concerned that perhaps I was mistaking things. I hoped against hope that I wasn't, but needed to be sure. So a visit to a vocations advisor was suggested, to have a general chat about vocations in general.
The time came. She had asked me to write about my journey so far and why I felt the way I did, so off I went armed with a rather larger than I think she expected essay. She knew in advance how I felt, but needed to talk about vocations in general, hence my visiting her. Anyway in I go. Less than half an hour later, I am stood outside feeling downright upset and quite miserable and insulted to boot. From just 15 minuted she was trying to get me gone, after saying I was still a child as far as "The Church" was concerned, and how could someone like me dare to imagine that I could serve the church, that there was a place in the church for someone like me?  Which I suppose she may have had a point with regards the first point, as I had only returned for just under a year and a half at that point. But she also said to me that I was nowhere near academic enough to study, and wouldn't be able to cope, even with reader training, which I would have accepted if she had been right, or had something on which to base her comments. But she said that within a few minutes of me  meeting her, with no prior knowledge of my background, my history or my education, and I would still love to know how she felt she could jump to so wild a conclusion. That hurt, as I have always considered myself an intelligent person. Eventually after about 20 minutes I could stall her no longer and I was being sent on my way. Her parting words were not to come back for at least 18 months, oh and don't talk to the vicar about it in that time either! 
Why???? Maybe I could understand being told to go away for a year and a half, but why cant I talk to the vicar. Did I have the word "thicko" tattooed across my forehead, perhaps it said "nutter, steer clear" instead?
I was so upset and confused after the meeting I didn't know what to do. I thought I had gone there for a general chat,but instead... well.
I had a really good think going over and over in my mind why she may have said and did what she did and eventually because I was hurting so much from being summarily dismissed, I came to the conclusion that really, I was infact utterly deluded, the vicar had only been kind to me, but really thought me totally unsuitable, and had sent me off to see her so I would get the message. I was in such a bad way, and it took me months literally to try to get over how much I had been hurt.
The Sunday following, at church, I decided to tell the vicar that I had seen her and that she had told me to go away,  perhaps I shouldn't have done, but I told him some of what she said, including not talking to him. I suppose really I shouldn't have done, but I was so angry and upset at the time, that quite frankly I didn't care what she had said regarding that. The vicars reaction was not one I expected, I genuinely thought he would say it was for the best, or to give it time, but he was furious, at that point I regretted saying anything, I didn't want to upset him. He said that she had no right to behave like that, and he was fed up of hearing about the way she treated people (apparently I wasn't the only one upset with her), he said he would have to do something, and I asked him not to. My intention was not to cause trouble when I told him.
I don't know whether the vicar did do anything I have never had the courage to ask him since. What she said, and her attitude towards me led me to believe that the whole church was the same, and I wanted nothing to do with it for quite some time. I didn't stop going though, I couldn't have done that. But I wasn't in the best of minds with regards to it all. It is only in the last couple of weeks that I feel I am returning to normal. Hence why I have not posted in all this time. the result was that I could not ever imagine someone like me becoming a vicar, so on one hand it was there in my heart the whole time, never leaving, and on the other I was trying to convince myself how utterly deluded  I was. I was not in a good place and I very nearly succeeded. It hurt, hurt like hell and it was so lonely. I felt that I couldn't talk to anyone, especially not the vicar, as I really thought that he would tell me I was being pathetic. For a time, I genuinely thought that God had left me. I felt empty, spare and worthless. I have no idea why I let what one person said get to me so much. No idea at all.
Anyway. The person I spoke of in my last post, has become a good friend, and we regularly meet up  after church on the Sunday evening for chats. We have started a bible study group on Wednesdays too, It started out as a prayer group, but somewhere along the way it seemed to work better as a Bible study group, so we stuck with what worked.
 And as of last Saturday we started a course run by the diocese in partnership with Worcester university, a certificate of higher education in education and Christian discipleship. It is a two year course, done part time, and is equivalent to the first year of a degree. The course is a mixture of academic and hands on stuff, and for the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about the future.
I know it may appear as though I am only doing it to prove the vocations adviser wrong, but, I can assure you I am not. I am doing the course because it feels right. Nor am I under any illusions that it may further my chances of becoming a vicar, as I realise it will not, and I am not doing it for that reason.
So, there, I am up to date. Will probably keep updated from now on again, say how the course is going, and if or when I decide to talk about vocations with anyone again.

Happy Easter one and all.

Have had a good few days since I last posted, well, weeks really, since I last posted a proper post type post. Anyway. This week has been busy one way or another, have been at work all week, and had church most evenings, which has been lovely. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday we had shared services with the neighbouring United Reformed Church. Each evening we had a talk, given by the vicar, and compline (Monday and Tuesday) and an evening of Iona community type prayer at the URC church on the Wednesday. It was great to go to another church for an evening. On the Maundy Thursday evening there was another talk, followed by a foot-washing, then communion. Several people went up to get their feet washed, and watching the vicar doing it was really moving in a way, more-so than I thought it would be (never having been to a Maundy Thursday service before), and at one point, one lady whose feet the vicar washed, then got the vicar to sit down, and washed his feet.

Unfortunately, I was required to work on Good Friday, so missed the services then, but was able to go to the Easter Vigil on Saturday night. I think that of all the services I have been to, through this last year or so since I returned to The Church, the Easter Vigil is my favourite. Starting out in the church , in silence and with no light, then lighting the fire outside, then the Paschal candle from the fire, and processing back into church. Then as the candle is processed down the church all the candles being lit, and spreading light as it goes, is, I think, as close to magic as it is possible to get.

When we were all sat in the darkness and silence at the beginning, dusk was falling outside, and as such, all the birds were singing, as I closed my eyes to think, it was almost as if I was in front of the tomb, waiting and expectant, everything silent and still before dawn, and the birds singing it was like they were sat in trees and bushes there singing before the dawn and the start of a new day. It was really wonderful.

The seven readings were given by candlelight, and when the vicar came down to read the Gospel, with the incense billowing (and boy did it billow) and everyones face lit by the candles with the smoke wreathing around, you could be anywhere in time. Lovely.  We also were able to renew our baptism vows ourselves by going up and dipping our fingers in the water and putting a cross on our foreheads with it. Again I found that incredibly moving, whether it was because I still had the memory of being baptised very recently in my head, or what, I don't know, but when it dipped my fingers in I was surprised by the fact that it was so warm, fully expecting it to be cold, the only thing I could think of was that it was like blood, which I suppose, in one manner it was. When I went and returned to my seat, I really had to stop and have a good think about it. Then we had communion, and it reminded me of the first time I took communion, after I had been baptised and confirmed in January. Lent and Easter have really made me think about things this year, but I think that that it is supposed to do that, so I shouldn't really be too surprised.

As we walked out from the church, somewhere close by began letting off fireworks and put on a wonderful display. I don't know whether another church was using them to celebrate Easter I don't know, but they seemed very fitting at the time. 

One thing that I couldn't quite understand was how few people had gone to it, 20 I think, including the vicar etc. During the week at the services there had been at least twice as many, with different ones coming on different evenings, whether the word vigil put them off, I'm not sure,  although I know whenever I hear the word otherwise, it does make me think of a bedside vigil, a very sombre and sad affair, nothing like the service at all. Never mind.

On to today now. As I was working this morning I missed the service at town church, but went to the evening Easter service at the country church. The church was much fuller than usual, which wasn't unexpected. Another really lovely service, and yet again moving. One man stood up to read from Acts 10.34 -43 but he couldn't contain his emotions and said the last few sentences with tears running down his face and trying so hard not to break down, he was so moved by the words he was reading. It was almost more than the rest of us could do to not cry. The rest of the service passed, and it was time to go home.

I cant remember whether I had mentioned or not about the fact that I was really uncertain about what I should be doing, or rather I did more or less know, just that I wasn't really willing to trust and have faith. Well finally I plucked up enough courage to ask the vicar whether it would be possible to have another talk with him about things, try to make sense of it a bit, and explain myself a little more. When I spoke to him last June, I still wasn't certain what the heck was going on really, and while I still don't have much of a clue to it all, it seems to make a bit more sense, and I think I am able to explain myself, or how I feel. I think I know myself a bit better too, which I hope is a good thing. Anyway I rang the vicar up on Maundy Thursday and asked if it would be possible to have a chat yes he said, what about today? It must have been about four in the afternoon when I rang, with a service at 7:30, and me not finishing work till seven, I didn't think that was going to be possible, but how sweet that he was willing to at such short notice. He is away on holiday for a week now, and he said to remind him about it, so will talk in a couple of weeks. Which I look forward to.

The other thing I had been struggling with was that however wonderful and lovely, kind and patient MLO has been with me, when I have been talking to him about how I feel, and trying to put into words something that sometimes seems impossible to put into words, I really felt that I needed to talk to someone who felt the same, someone who felt that they may have been called to become a vicar. It was really getting at me,  I just wanted to discuss with someone the way I felt and listen to how they felt, maybe get some sort of a gauge as to what was normal, for them anyway, and if it in anyway resembled how I felt. I had been praying about it for a while, and said to MLO several times that it was getting to me. Then a woman who had been to a couple of the confirmation classes with the rest of us, who usually goes to the morning church, started to come to the evening church, and last week we got talking after the service, and somehow ended up discovering that she also wanted to be a vicar, somehow she then also worked out that I did also. Spoke again for an hour after church tonight about things. So, one ecstatically happy bunny here, have arranged to have a real good talk next Sunday after church, really looking forward to it.

Must go now, getting very late, and cold in the study, so night night, and once again

HAPPY EASTER 

"No way " said I
To one who cried
the mantra
"Wait,"
For I knew more than he
So I believed

"No way" said I
to one who cried
in tear stained notes
of agony
And wept. And I
declared  "I know!"
So, I believed

"No way" said I
to the one who cried
"You doubt in me?"
"But why?"
The looked at me
with purest love and humility.
So I believed.

Back again.
So, what have I been up to since I last blogged? Rather a lot as it happens. I had just been baptised and confirmed last I posted and I still find myself thinking "Oooh, wow" about it every now and then.
Work and everyday life are much the same as usual, so nothing to write about there really, but to my own amazement, I have started the Alpha course at the town church.
I had always viewed the Alpha course through internet rumour tinted glasses (speaking from hindsight here), and after reading countless reviews of how it was nothing to do with Christianity, or if it was, all it encouraged you to do was roll about on the floor barking like a dog, and making out it was the Holy Spirit responsible, I am glad to say that so far, it is nothing like that at all, and I am really rather enjoying it.
There are seven of us doing the course which is great, not too many to be impersonal, and not too few to not get a few different viewpoints. One on the course did the confirmation course and was confirmed at the same time as me, so someone I knew already, with the vicar leading the group.
Before I went, I was very dubious about the whole thing indeed, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that if it really was that bad, I could leave at any time, but would never really know until I went.
I was very pleasantly surprised. The best thing about it, apart from the lovely meal before hand, is the ability to talk about everything, without worrying about whether who we talk to thinks that we are either thick, or a bit nutty, and also being able to listen to other people talk about their faith, life and relationship with God. Many times I have thought to myself "that's it" because I had never thought of something in the way the other person had. I have found being able to talk about my faith with MLO much easier too, practice makes perfect in that respect I guess.
Have been to seven of the sessions now, and have four left, I think.

Something else has been going on, whether it is linked with my going to Alpha or not, I am not sure, it may do and then again, may not. I have started to ask myself whether my faith is really what I think it is - if that make sense. What I think I mean is, whether it is all that strong, and whether I really trust in God with my whole heart or not. I have been thinking more and more about it the past few weeks, and have come to the conclusion that I had kidded myself about how strong it was/is, so basically I really wasn't trusting in God with my whole heart. I was at work one afternoon, and had some quiet time to myself, so was having a good think. At the time I was pretty much beating myself up, convincing myself that no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, it would never be good enough, that I was rather useless in fact. I couldn't get my head round the simple fact of just believing, and trusting in God. I had kidded myself that I did, but it was painfully obvious that I didn't. While all these things were going round in my head, Lazarus walked into the shop, obviously not the Lazarus from the bible, complete with grave clothes and a napkin on his face, but a Mr Lazarus, but at that moment, it was Lazarus stood there paying for petrol. All I thought at that moment was, "I need to die to myself so I can be reborn, and to believe - have faith in Jesus, that in him everything is possible. Just trust, believe and receive". To say I was a bit "what just happened there" would be an understatement, although I know what did happen, was Mr Lazarus came into the shop to pay for fuel, it could have been anyone else, but for him to come in at that moment.......well. Ever since then, I have read, seen and heard all over the place time and time and time again,in bible verses, prayers, hymns, articles even on television and radio, the words over and over again, "Trust in the Lord with your whole heart, and lean not on your own understanding", Worded differently, told in a tale and a hundred other ways. Maybe I am just looking out for it, but it keeps popping up all the time.
Trouble is, I don't know how to. I genuinely thought I did, obviously I didn't. Although having said that, thinking about it, I wonder whether it might be something. There is something I really want to do , but haven't put my name down to volunteer, as I am convinced that everyone will say I'm either not good enough, or wonder how I dared to put my name down in the first place. Perhaps that's it. I remember when I first saw the opportunity, it lice for a prayer to be said for them if they needed literally jumped out at me, four weeks ago now, and I haven't been able to get the idea out of my heart and head since. Perhaps that is all it is, to trust that it is what God wants for me? I guess I'll never know unless I try will I?
Oh well.
Last Sunday, church was very different to usual, at the town church anyway. It sort of turned into a healing service somewhere along the way, complete with cheesy american muzak. Two of the regulars told of their experience of healing, including one of cancer being removed from the one persons husbands hand, gone, without a trace, after prayer. They went on to talk about the power of laying on hands and how it had affected them. Next thing they invited people up to be healed, at least that's what I thought they asked, cue cheesy muzak, and cue silence from the congregation. Everyone became glued to their seats at that point. After a few minutes of standing there with no takers, the one simply said thankyou ,and sat down. Poor man. Afterwards at some point, I cant remember when exactly the vicar stood up and said he felt that God was letting him know that someone had a bad right eye, and that people could go up after the service, and the vicar and others would pray for them if they needed it.
At the end, I suggested that MLO go to have a prayer said for him, as he has had a very painful shoulder for the last few weeks, fully expecting him to look at me as if I had gone a bit in the head, but to my utter amazement he said "why not", so we went up and waited, and he had a prayer said for him by the vicar and another man whose name I don't know. MLO was really touched by it, and started to well up a bit, but that's not difficult when the vicar says a prayer, you know that he means it with his whole heart.
Anyhoo that's me all up to date again, for the time being anyway. Have another Alpha meeting tomorrow night, all about resisting evil. That should be interesting. We have skipped the ninth session - how can I be filled with the Holy Spirit, having done the other two on the Holy Spirit Saturday just gone. Not sure when we are doing the ninth. Anyway TTFN.

Ok, I gave up, no matter what I tried, I couldn't get the designs to work, so have gone back to the old design for the time being. Have a quiet day tomorrow at last, so will update the blog then. TTFN.

Well, I changed the design again, as you most probably have seen. Think I like this one, but will more than likely alter the colours a little. then, when I have done that, I will post a proper blog post, as I haven't done in quite a long time.

Still stuff to do, but now I have done it, I am not too certain that I really like it all that much. Might just go back to how it was before. Am now off to bed, as it is way too late. Meeting mum in six hors or so, and haven't even gone to bed yet. Dreadful behaviour. :-)

As you can see, this is very rough and ready. Will tweak when I have a bit more time. Definitely not finished yet.

Yesterday I was baptised and confirmed by the Bishop of Hereford at St Pauls (town church). There were five of us altogether who were confirmed and just two of us were baptised aswell.  It was an utterly amazing experience, so completely amazing. I still cant quite get over the whole thing. (Not that I ever really want to :-)).
I spent the day in a bit of a whirl really. First communion was so wonderful, I think I surprised myself at how it made me feel. When I was given the bread, I just stared at it for a while trying to get my head round it, what it was, being able to be there, and take part in something so mind blowing, so special and wonderful. Then in the evening at  St Andrews (country church) it was the same, but this time I was given the bread by the vicar, ( the Bishop gave it me in the morning) which was was really lovely, and the wine by a wonderful man, who along with everyone else, were the reason I wanted to be confirmed into the churches we go to.
When MLO and I arrived in the evening so many people came and congratulated me, and welcomed me,  I have never felt so in awe of peoples kindness and love, and I have done nothing to deserve that, other than turning up to church each Sunday.  The vicar came out then to welcome me to the church, which was also such a lovely kind gesture. Right now I am not quite sure what to do with myself, all I seem able to to is alternate going round in floods of tears because I am so overjoyed,then humbled, at everyone that I cant quite control my emotions, then thanking God for everything in my life, the people I know and love, and everything else. I hope I never forget yesterday.
The previous Sunday, the vicar had tried to get me to agree to say something about why I wanted to be baptised and confirmed, I backed away from him at that point, no way Jose am I getting up there in front of everyone, he did say that if I wrote something then the Bishop would read it out. Phew.
I had tried to get something written and had made many attempts at getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper, but it always seemed wrong. I was sat in front of the computer yesterday morning about half an hour before we were due to get to church staring at the screen thinking that now would be a good time to decide on what to to put. So I just wrote, and hoped it was ok.
We got to the church, and waited a while for the Bishop to arrive, which he did, complete with big black swooshy cloak, looking like an ecclesiastical version of Dracula, but infinitely less scary, and who quickly put us at our ease, as we were all rather worried. He then mentioned saying something, which most of us had hoped he would have forgotten, but he agreed to read three of ours out, and  two brave souls read their own. The one lady who read hers out told us about the most amazingly terrible time in her life recently, more unhappiness, sorrow and badness than I know I could have coped with, yet she was up there, thanking God for what she had,  made me think about my life in a different perspective.
Then the bishop read out what the other three of us had written. This was what I wrote.

 When I was much (!) younger, I used to go to church, and really enjoyed it, but as I got older, I got out of the habit of going, other than for special occasions. I would sometimes read the bible - when I could remember where I had left it, and prayed on and off whenever I wanted something. I was happy to call myself a Christian - without really thinking about what it meant.

  But it always felt like something was missing - a hole in my life, and no matter what I did or had, or what I bought, the feeling wouldn't go away.

I quite often thought about going back to church, but never did. I thought maybe it wasn't necessary , that I could carry on as I was.

I used to imagine that God was this huge stern guy in the sky, complete with big grey beard and fiery eyes, someone to be scared of, who, if I ever put a foot wrong would probably make my life a misery.

  Eventually, I realised that whatever else I did, I needed to go back to church. It wasn't like I made a decision and said “right, I'm going today“, it was a feeling in me that I felt I couldn't really argue with. Although it took me a long time after realising that I had to go before I actually walked through the doors of a church, but I did (obviously), and am so very glad that I did.

  After coming for a few months, I realised how important it had become to me; that I had started to really look forward to going each Sunday. I enjoyed being there, worshiping God, praying, listening and learning something each week, and looked forward to seeing the people who had been so welcoming and friendly when we first started going.

I learnt that God wasn't as scary as I first thought, rather, that he was pretty wonderful, and He loved us pretty much no matter what; and to me, that was the most amazing discovery imaginable, and made me want to give something back, both to God, and the church I had been going to.

That is one reason I want to be baptised and confirmed, so I can become a full member of the church, especially the churches I go to. I need to be able to show just how much I love it, and want everyone to know how important it is to me to be a Christian, a part of this church in particular and for all that it stands for.

hopefully by being baptised and confirmed, I can show that I am making a commitment to this church and saying that this is the church that I want to be part of.

• MLO for his unfailing love and support.
• My mum, who, whatever else is still my mum and without whom I simply wouldn't be here.
• MLOs mum for agreeing to come on Sunday, and realising what it meant to me. 
• The vicar for giving his time to get us through this, and helping us learn what being a Christian is and means for our lives, and for guiding and teaching us and being a wonderful example to us.
• The Bishop, who baptised and Confirmed us, which was an enormous honour for us.
• All the people at St Andrews and St Pauls who are so welcoming and kind, and the main reason for me wanting to be baptised and confirmed as a part of those churches in particular. 
•  For everyone in the past who led me to You Lord.