Here we are again. It is Thursday today. 

For the past few days it has been stinking hot here, so even just doing the simplest of things can make you feel weary. Today, the temperature inside where I work never fell below 27 degrees C , which isn't very comfortable over an 11 hour day I can tell you. I am utterly pooped and bone weary right now, parts of me feel like they don't belong anymore. As such, this will be a short blog, at least that is my intention, because I want to go to bed. So there.

I started the little exercise that the vicar gave me to do, only it has turned into something that is not so little, what appeared to be a short little exercise has turned into a writing project of mammoth proportions. Last night, I decided to get some of it onto computer that I had previously written, and that I would alter it as I went, thing was as I typed and read, more things came into my head, and what I had originally written had almost doubled. I never knew it was possible to have so much stuff stored away and not remember it for years, then suddenly , wham, there is is again, ten or twenty years earlier, all my feelings and thoughts, for a moment I really am back there. I found things that even though I had thought that I had forgotten about them, still had an effect on me, so obviously need to think over those, and why I still seem to be carrying them around. I have also found that mostly, the things which cause me the greatest upset, are things that I have done to other people, not what other people have done to me. Mostly but not all though. For a time last night I began to feel a little wretched with myself when I realised all the times I had hurt someone I was close to, or said something and have only now realised that I never apologised.  It seems at the time  I felt entirely justified in being spiteful, or hurtful,  -not something I wanted to find, but now I have, I need to see why I behaved like it,  if I still do to some extent -which is a very worrying thought, and what I could have done differently,  or can do differently. Also what may had led me to behave like that in the first place.  Had a long conversation with God over it all, then at three in the morning MLO woke up, and had a long talk with him about it, and how I felt. When he listens he is an enormous help. He knows when to talk or to answer or to ask me something, and he also knows when a big hug will do more than anything else. Eventually got to sleep about fourish and up again at half six. But after writing for a few hours, having a think, talking to God and then talking to MLO, I have got a lot out of my system, I know what is left, but I am not ready to think about some things yet, have a lot of wrangling with myself, and conversations with God to do over those

Hope he doesn't want to read it is all I can say (the vicar , that is)  . ( Oh dear that sounds terribly bad doesn't it, I'm not really all that awful, its just a lot to wade through is all I meant).

Anyhoo, am off to bed soon, so night night. 

Yesterday, I mentioned I had gone for a little talk with the vicar, mainly about being baptised,  and at the end mister vicar  suggested that I write something about where God has been and still is, and also to go over my life and find anything that may be unresolved in my life, and try to work it out of my system. Well, true to my word, as I said I would do it, I started at work this morning (it was a very quiet morning), I wrote and wrote, then wrote some more. Amazing what I remembered when I put my mind to it, and remembering one thing, would lead to me remembering something else, I could hardly keep up with my brain. Not sure what happened, but I decided to stop for a while and get some proper work done, and found I had written almost 20 full A4 sheets. Haven't read what I wrote, will do that tomorrow, but I certainly hadn't finished writing . Upon reading I will probably discover that it is just a pile of repetitive drivel, but then again, I may just surprise myself.

Have put a picture in of a lady writing, not because it particularly represents me, but the blog had become a little dull looking lately. So a spot of gratuitous picture posting was in order. And also because it is a rather lovely painting, by Jan Vermeer.

Anyway, have been in the most ridiculously happy mood today, the sort that people start giving you funny looks over and then start questioning your sanity. Absolutely over the moon about something I am. 

Just a short post today, as I want to go to bed now. So nighty night.

Today was a lovely busy day at work, had lots and lots of lovely customers coming in,. Had a few stop and have nice long chats too, so the day went really pretty well indeed. I love days like this.
Paddy the old goat, came along for his usual, a bunch of the free newspapers and a good old moan. He only ever moans about the same things each time, but it seems to make him feel a bit better about stuff, so that's OK. Mr M also came up for a natter, he has been on a bit of a spending spree of late, after a 40 year saving plan came to maturity. Poor man doesn't quite know what to make of all the money he has, as he has been used to living pretty much on the breadline as a small farmer (he's not small, the farm is :-) ). He is now the proud owner of a 32" flat screen television and a DVD player. You'd think he was the richest man on earth, he is so ecstatically happy that he is able to afford things like that now, even things that most people take for granted, such as the TV and DVD player. I'm pretty sure he has splashed out on a new set of overalls too. Bless his little cotton socks.
Mr B also came a visiting, he doesn't come up as often these days, he recently had a new knee, which has so far proved to be more trouble than his original, and has spent most of his time since having it done going in a and out of hospital, and doctors surgeries. Anyway he got talking about the local wildlife that he has tamed. He has several tame squirrels that will walk into his house and go and sit on his lap when he is on the computer or watching television, they don't even mind visitors round them. He also has several birds that have become very tame , including a jay, robins, blackbirds and blue tits. He has videoed them all over the years, and he says that whenever the animals breed, the offspring are naturally tame, as they pick it up from their parents, and will bring their young to him. Something of a Doctor Doolittle. He obviously loves the animals, and that is probably why they trust him more than most. None of the other customers stopped for more than a couple of minutes.
Mr Boss was pleased with the total for the day, so that was nice. He is a very different person when he is in a good and happy mood, to when he is not. Unfortunately he always seems to be in a not so happy mood lately, but I suppose that is hardly surprising given the fact that we haven't exactly been overrun with custom lately.
I have been in a happy happy mood today, the sun was out again, so maybe that had something to do with it, and God really makes me smile. 
Anyway. Time for bed methinks. So goodnight, and God bless.

Another day. Really haven't done very much at all today. Just the usual sort of stuff, like cleaning up after MLO, and things like that ;-). Earlier on today I was in the study looking out of the window, and a flash of red shot by, and into a tree outside. I looked up and there was a jay sat in the tree, never having seen one of these before, I was quite chuffed. Whipped out my camera, but before I could get a picture he was gone. Never mind though. He was a lovely shade of pale red, and bigger than I thought they were.

This year I seem to be seeing a much greater variety of birds locally, than I have done in previous years. Whether they like the weather better this year, or what it is I don't know. I even saw a hen harrier at Stoke Edith, by the asparagus fields two weeks ago,  at about seven  fifteen in the morning, when we were driving to Ledbury station to get the train to Birmingham. Not sure why I haven't mentioned that before though, as it was pretty exciting. Not certain what it was doing  as it appeared to be tumbling through the air and then righting itself before tumbling again, most odd.  But pretty cool.

Other half has said that we will go off for the day tomorrow somewhere. I am not sure where it will be yet. I rather hope we will be going to Oxford, as I love the place, and haven't been for ages, and it means we can stop at a lovely pub in the village of Minster Lovell. One of the prettiest villages imaginable. And some great ruins to wander round as well. I think however he is rather taken on the idea of Abergavenny, nice enough place, but not where I hope we go. I could suggest Cardiff, a brilliant lively place, which kind of reminds me of Liverpool, in a way. Oh well wherever we go it will be fun, and a change, so I really shouldn't worry where it is we will end up going.

Today has been one of those days when God has been there, and egging me on a bit, but I am buggered if I know why or what for. I'm like "What? Eh? Huh?" I have absolutely no idea why, so must do a bit more listening. I feel a bit perplexed, and very slightly confused in fact, if the truth be known. Oh well, it will all be clear in time.  Still have no idea though. Actually thinking about it a bit more, the way I feel, is like when someone tells you that they have a surprise for you, you just don't know what the surprise is. That's what it is like.

On that I will say good night. I will report back tomorrow on where we end up, and what we end up doing whilst there. So TTFN. Au revoir etc.

What do I start with today then? Whenever I start to type, I never really have any idea what on earth I will write about, and tend to make it up as I go along. (Not make it up as in make it up, I hasten to add). If that makes sense? Oh well.
The weather has been spectacularly gorgeous for the past couple of days, we really are being spoiled. Give it another week however and I will probably be praying for rain.
Was unexpectedly busy at work this afternoon, after a quiet morning, most of the customers we had, wanted to get petrol for their lawnmowers, so despite being busy customer number wise, we didn't take as much as was hoped, but still not that bad a day.
Mr M came up again for another natter, and to tell me all about a charity tractor drive he did the other day, for the Hereford Lions Club, all around the Herefordshire countryside of Much Marcle, Woolhope, Mordiford and Fownhope. He brought up the map of their route along roads and cross country. Altogether 70 tractors took part. Mainly older smaller tractors. Must have been quite a sight with 70 tractors in convoy heading off over Marcle Ridge. Anyway on his map was our old farm so I enjoyed telling him all about that.
Had quite an odd day yesterday at work. Polished everything in the place, it now smells like a spring bouquet, well thats what it said on the can. Other than that, it was extraordinarily quiet, even by the standard of late. El bosso was in a very queer mood. Only problem is when he is a bit off, everyone else picks up on it, and it can be a pretty uncomfortable place to be and work at, at times like that. Not nice.
Had a bit of an argument with MLOs mother in the morning, well she was arguing, more with herself than anything. She has times like that, we all do, but whereas I tend to disappear off somewhere on my own to stop myself saying something I will regret, she just says the first thing that comes into her head, which frequently is pretty hurtful. So had a bad start to the day. When I got home in the evening, I was a bit frazzled from work, But MLOs mother obviously still had the disagreement in her. I sloped up to bed as I couldn't cope with her going on just then. I had a relatively early night though which was great. Only problem, I got a bit cheesed off, I had had a cruddy day at work, a cruddy start, and finished it on much the same foot, so what did I do? I ended up having a rant at God about the unfairness of it all, really laid into Him, was altogether a not nice person in fact. When I had calmed down, and thought about it all, I felt so crap at what I had thought and said, I ended up hating myself to sleep.
When I was asleep, I had some of the oddest dreams, I don't always remember them, but when I do, I wonder what on earth they were about. One part of it was in a hall somewhere with a large audience, no idea where or why we were there. We were sat at the front and a curly haired blonde man came up with a microphone and said he had better interview me, oh, right I thought ok then. He asked me how I was, so I replied by asking him how he was, at this the people in the hall started laughing, ooh great I thought, I dint have to say much and they love it. Next his comment threw me, "What do you think went wrong with the choir?" at that I replied, no idea, I've got nothing to do with the choir, that threw him then, as in fact I had no idea what choir he was on about. Next we (that is whoever was with me in the dream) were still sat down at the front, and there was an elderly black gentleman sat sideways on to me, he smiled at me, then held my hand, for no apparent reason. However in my dream I didn't mind, and found it very reassuring. Next thing, he leaned forward and whispered to me "Why are you so angry". Now in my dream I wasn't at all angry and said so. For some reason in my dream, I was along a rail line somewhere, on one side were the back walls of houses, and on the other were bushes, trees and a low concrete wall. It was pretty wide, so you could stand at the side as a train went by without worry. In my dream then a whole bunch of children appeared, there must have been twenty or so of them, they were walking right along the line, and in the dream, it was my responsibility to make sure they cleared off the line when a train was coming, we managed for a few, then another train came along that was silent, and by the time I saw it, it was too late, and it went into the children, a group of four boys who I understood to be brothers. They weren't hurt though for some reason. Then I was back home and MLOs mother was laying into me saying I should have looked after them properly, I was feeling bad already without her adding to it. Then I woke up.
One of the oddest and most memorable dreams I have ever had.
But the first thing that came into my mind was the man asking me why I was so angry while he held my hand. I thought about it quite a lot and realised I was angry really, angry at the way people behaved towards me at times, angry at God and angry at and with myself. So I thought about it a bit more, I still haven't really worked it all out of my system yet . I was convinced that I had buggered it up with God, that he wasn't there anymore. A pretty bad place to be to be true. Horrible in fact. I couldn't explain it. Even found it hard to pray this morning. A truly rotten way to be. On my mobile phone I have a copy of the KJV bible, and you can set it to random pick a book or verse. I did that, and it came out with Proverbs 1. After reading that, I didn't know whether it would all be ok, or because of my hot headedness, I was basically doomed. Not ok. I eventually did morning prayer at half ten this morning, via mobile phone and the C of E website. The two psalms (42 and 43) pretty much summed up exactly how I was feeling, after reading them, and the words

"Why are you so full of heaviness, O my soul, •
and why are you so disquieted within me?"
"O put your trust in God; •
for I will yet give him thanks,
who is the help of my countenance, and my God."

I thought about the meaning, and realised I needed to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. Very silly behaviour. After I had thought on these words and everything else and had a stern talk to myself, things got a bit better, God was there, I was too busy wrapped up in my own self pity to notice.
Why do I get like this. I get terrified that I have pushed Him away and lost him for good, that He will be gone from me for good. It's more than I can bear, and nearly tears my heart out. Each and every time I bring it on myself. I start to question God, which to start with , is a bad place to be in., I dig a hole and make it deeper, one day, if I carry on getting like this, I will dig a hole so deep, I will never get out of it. And that scares me. I really need to sort out why I get so angry about things when I am upset. I should be going to God then, not taking it out on him. I need to trust in Him with my whole heart, that's what it is. I obviously still don't do I?
I need quiet time with Him, time for prayer and listening. Stop listening to my own notions, and have faith.

Lord, fill me with love
Like the love that you have for me.
Let me be able to love you, all your people and your creation the same.
Lord, fill me with hope.
A hope for the future, both ours and the earths.
Like the hope you have for us all.
Lord fill me with joy.
Like the joy you have in each one of us, your creation and mankind.
Lord fill me with faith.
A belief in a Heaven on earth.
Just as you have faith in our ability to achieve it.
Most of all Lord.
Fill me with your grace.
That I may fully appreciate the
love, hope joy and faith,
You have for me and for us all.
And that I may also have love, hope, joy and faith.
In you, all people and all the earth.
Amen.

Today has been one of those "everything is wonderful"  kind of days for me, I can't put my finger on why it should be so, but am genuinely enjoying it while it lasts. I know from experience, that For every brilliant day, there will be a day that is a bit of a struggle.
The one thing I cannot understand is why exactly I should feel like it. Today, for me, the future is filled with possibilities, and joy at the prospect of them, but when I feel low, I am terrified that no-one will take me seriously, or tell me I am not good enough to ever dream of becoming a vicar, or even worse tell me that I am imagining it all, and that I am in fact ever so slightly deluded. What worries me even more about that last thought is that perhaps they are right, and that I am in fact deluded, and that everything I have felt, and what I believe God has planned for me, are nothing more than an elaborate and deceiving product of my own imagination, embellished with each passing year, until I really believe it myself. I know in my heart of hearts that that isn't the case, but it doesn't stop me from worrying.
I really need to talk to someone, the vicar would be ideal, just have no idea how to go about bringing the subject up.
Today has also been one of those days when things seem to want to take a further step. Something is pulling me along, but for the last few weeks has been constant and steady, a carry on as you were kind of thing. But today during Church, it was like something hit me in my heart, not in a bad way mind, just a big jolt. I was sure that what the vicar was saying in his sermon was just for me that the words were aimed directly at me, now while I know that wasn't the case it still felt like it. And when he said certain things in his sermon, I would swear he looked straight at me when he said them, almost like he knew how I felt, it felt like he was looking straight through my soul, bizarre and slightly unsettling really, but not in a bad way. At that point what it is that is in me, pulling me along, suddenly went up a gear, right get a move on, you have to do something now. Get involved at the church helping out, anything in fact just get off your complacent a#*e and get moving. It's like butterflies in my stomach but a thousand times stronger, the anticipation of what the future may hold is roaring round my heart. The strangest feeling imaginable, again, not bad though, a pretty amazing and wonderful feeling in fact. Its like I am being expected to do something, I am just not certain what.
I am both perplexed by it all and reassured at the same time, perplexed because it is still all a bit "no way" for me, but reassured that wherever I get led, it will be the right place to be.
Yesterday, as I previously said, I went up to Birmingham to see mum for the day.We had decided (MLO and I that is) whilst on the train that we would pay a visit to Lichfield from Birmingham as it is a lovely little city. Before we went there though we went on a wander of Birmingham once we had met up with my mum. We ended up at the Roman Catholic Cathedral of St Chad. This is a fairly modern (so far as Cathedrals go) building, but inside is so immensely beautiful. When we got there the place was half full of people praying, so we decided it wouldn't be the best idea to go round it taking pictures and doing touristy stuff. So, we stood at the back and just looked from there. The place had a lovely welcoming air about it though which was lovely, as I sometimes find Roman Catholic cathedrals and churches cold and impersonal, but then I suppose it's just me. We went into the bookshop then. Wow tonnes of books in there.
We walked back into town and went to catch the train to Lichfield from there. We took a nice slow leisurely stroll up to the cathedral and had lunch in the cathedral cafe. The food there is always nice, and fairly cheap too. It is in a lovely building across the road from the cathedral, and is full of little rooms here and there, plus a lovely conservatory to sit in and a big garden at the back with lots of tables.
Once we had finished lunch we went into the cathedral itself. There was a choir practising for a concert that night, so on our wander round we were accompanied by heavenly music. MLO and I parted company,
so I continued round with mum. Once we had finished wandering we went in search of MLO so I could show him the pictures I had taken on my phone. Once we found each other we sat down in the pews to listen to the choir and look at the pics. Next thing we knew, an old lady came wandering along the side. In front she was pushing a trolley that was full of icons and crosses. As she went she was talking away, and seemed a happy old soul. The she saw the choir, and the director, and stood up front just to the side of them, and waved her arms about as if she were conducting them, and then started to give them advice on how to sing. At that, several people who were sat in the pews listening like us, started to laugh, which was hardly surprising as it was pretty funny. She then sidled over to the director, and I think she was giving him directions. Anyway the choir started up again, and at that point the old lady gave an enormously big flourishy bow. The choir were trying so hard not to burst out laughing at the eccentric old lady, and everyone in the pews was in hysterics. Brilliant. She then wandered off on her own somewhere.
From the cathedral we went across the road to the cathedral gift shop, inside there was a pretty well stocked bookshop, as well as the other usual gifts. MLO found a little pin badge that he said he was going to get me as it was so sweet. in the middle was a bright yellow smiley face, and round the edge it said "Smile Jesus loves you", which tickled MLO no end, and indeed made us smile. So I put it on my jacket when we left. Back in Brum, MLO made an executive decision, he wanted to catc the 19:20 train back rather than the 21:00. So we went to the loo etc went ant bought a sandwich and water for our tea, and caught the train home. Was a beautiful day weatherwise, and enjoyment wise.
After church this morning we went into Hereford for a stroll along the river. As we got there the bells were ringing out for the end of the 08:00 service, and as we got back from our walk they were ringing for the start of the 10:00 am service. On our walk we saw the new river defence, which was nowhere near as bad as I had imagined it to be. Three very friendly ducks that literally walked right up to me, although the little lady duck was rather henpecked (duckpecked?) with all the feathers missing of the top of her head. Poor thing. Next we were heading up to the castle green, and we saw a squirrel. I made a kiss kiss noise at it and it came running straight up towards us, then leapt into the tree above us, and proceeded to pose for pictures. Cheeky little rodent.
This evening we had a barbecue, the first one this year. It was lovely. Very very enjoyable.
It is now after one o clock in the morning, and I really should be in bed. But MLO had just brought me in a cup of coffee, which I will drink before I go. Up early again tomorrow. I have asked MLO if we can go for another walk as neither of us have work to go to, but I think he has his heart set on going to the Hay Festival, we could do both though if we set off early enough. We could go over Hay Bluff, and by Llanthony Priory for a walk or round there. As the nights are drawing out now the days last longer and we can do a lot more than a couple of months ago , which is great.
Anyhoo. It really is bedtime now, so I will sign off with a wave and a God Bless. Night night.

Well hello again.
I remember yesterday stating that I would be able to blog a lot earlier than this. Right! Things never turn out the way you want them to, do they? Never mind. Today hasn't been a bad day really though, quite enjoyable in a perverse, tomorrow is the weekend, only a few more hours left to go, sort of way.
Had to go shopping after work again, as I had run out of shampoo.
MLOs mother had been away since Wednesday in North Wales, and returned early this morning in order to get to the Hay Festival for a talk. She had a lovely time apparently in North Wales, and did some people spotting at Hay. Plenty of faces there. She went to see Emma Bridgewater (of the pottery fame), and after she had come out from there she stumbled across Aggie, one half of the How Clean is Your House duo. She said she spent sat least half an hour talking to her and eating ice creams. As she was wandering off she passed where there was due to be a screening of a premier of a film made by the Rural Media Company, Still Life and based around Bromyard. She got talking away to a couple of people there, and next thing she knew, one of the girls on the door offered her a complimentary ticket, well she wasn't going to turn that down was she. The film was excellent she said, but then it is always lovely to see somewhere you know well on the big screen, and probably biases you a little. Not that I am saying the film isn't good, because by all accounts, it really is good.
Yesterday, a racing pigeon decided to come into land on the forecourt at work, two seconds later , just a few short steps, and poor pigeon met his end at the hands of a white van man. One moment walking around, resting his wings, then the next moment, gone, just a collection of feathers, muscles and sinew. Whatever the pigeon was, was no more.
What is the spark, that makes it all come alive. If, as the atheists etc would have you believe, everything is explainable by science, but how do they explain us, the birds, fish and animals. Where in science is there an explanation for consciousness.
At what point does a series of neurons firing away in a spongy mass, create a conscious thought. What is the little or even huge spark, that makes us appreciate the wind in our hair, grass beneath our feet, or the smell of clean washing, or a certain piece of music, or love. Scientists think they have the love thing explained away, as a most basic primal urge , necessary for our survival. That may perhaps be in some way true, when it comes to other people, but it isn't all of it. But then, where does a primal urge figure, say in the love of a piece of music, a pet, or even a favourite possession. Science simply cannot explain what it is that makes us us. I am made from precisely the same stuff as every one of you. The same stuff as pigeon, just arranged very slightly differently, but am so vastly different in my ideas, my loves, and opinions that it is impossible to attempt to scientifically explain it.

I know what it is, so do billions of other people around the world, we have a brilliant explanation. It has all the answers anyone could ask for. And really on the face of it, when it comes to existence and consciousness, is the only sensible answer. But some people refuse to listen, they don't want to know. They believe what they believe, and nothing will alter that. Stubborness. But it exists on both sides. There are people who believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but wont enter into debate about it, which is wrong. We need to talk about it, we need to engage in debate, to have both sides talk it over, to find common ground in places. Believing in God, does not make all science invalid, nor does being a scientist, or having a scientific view of the world, make belief in God impossible. Faith will never be taken seriously by a lot of people, for the simple reason they don't often hear believers talking of their faith in an open and honest way. We all tend to get a bit defensive when tyring to explain precisely why we believe, or explaining what we believe in. Perhaps if we attempted to explain faith and religion scientifically, more people would get it? Not sure how you would go about that though. I am probably wrong. However, whenever science has attempted to explain God as nothing more than natural law or somesuch, an even bigger problem rears its head that is to be explained. Now it is the turn of quantum theory. We know it is, and very weird it is too. We just don't know why. The deeper we delve into the mystery of the universe, the more inexplicable it becomes. For scientists anyway.
Hmm not entirely sure where that came from, but hey, there you go. I get like that sometimes. Please don't take me overly seriously, I am certainly not an expert in anything I have just written about, so therefore feel free to ridicule me, as I wont take it personally, unless you make personal remarks that is.
Anyway, I have to get to bed, I am catching the 8:00 am train to Birmingham to see mum. Don't worry I will keep away from the Bullring. ;-)
Night night.

This is only going to be a short Blog today. I am attempting to Blog via my mobile phone, and it a little tedious.
We went to the Ascension day service this evening after work, it was probably the loveliest and most moving, joyous beautiful service I have ever been to. Everyone was beaming at the end of it. Utterly glorious. Some of the congregation from the other church joined in, which also made if feel special. Everything was just so. A wonderful selection of hymns, and the final one sung in candlelight. And a wonderful sermon, starting with a hilarious tale of an American, a chair and thirty weather balloons. I wont tell the whole take here, I max tomorrow when It wont be so late when I post. But the organist was nearly wetting himself.
Am off to bed now, work again tomorrow. Going to bed on a high. Who needs drugs when you have Church? On that note night night. God bless.

Today it rained, not before time too. But rain being rain, even if it is welcome it is never really welcome. We always moan about it, no matter how long we have been without it, or how much we need it, if I commented on the weather to someone and mentioned the rain, at least half of the replies I would get would be "it always rains in this country". It must be a British thing to say, at the least it IS a very British thing to constantly talk about the weather. It is not a stereotype either, we really do. Most often the first thing we will say in a conversation will along the lines of "Ooh, isn't the weather nice/nasty/hot/cold/windy/still today". I think it is part of our national psyche.

Anyway. I had another day off work (Aren't I the lucky one), although by the end of the week I will still have managed to rack up 49 hours worth, so I am not being lazy or anything. The weather conditions put paid to any gardening or outdoor tasks today, and also scuppered my chance of doing any more clothes washing, as I couldn't dry them (and I absolutely refuse to buy a tumble drier - wasteful things).
So the day was spent indoors. I didn't even cook, MLOs mother did that today, so had shepherds pie and cabbage for lunch, and a cheese and onion sandwich for my tea. The height of sophistication really :-).
I have actually spent a large proportion of this evening on the internet browsing around and not doing much in particular. I did find a couple of websites that were quite useful and downloaded a few new brushes for photoshop, downloaded a theme maker for my, and MLOs mobile phones, and quite a bit of time on Twitter. I love that website, it is really enjoyable seeing what everyone is up to. Brilliant way of doing it, and I really like the fact you cant go above 140 characters, I think if anything it makes you more likely to tweet as you never have to go into too much detail about what you are doing.
It is late again, so most definitely time for bed. Have said prayers etc, it has been a nice peaceful calm day today God was most certainly there with me today, a calmness I would find it hard to describe, and such a feeling of peace. Beautiful. I love God, I love Jesus and I love the Holy Spirit, I love everyone and I love the world. I really love everything.
On that note night night.

Well, today started rainy, was dry and sunny in the middle, then rain again, I think it is currently dry. There you have the weather report for east/central Herefordshire. And now for the rest of the news (wrong way round, but see what I did there?).
Was an interminably dull day at work. What happened to all the people out there, because they sure as heck weren't coming into the shop, beamed up by hitherto unknown alien lifeforms? Wiped out in some freak mass extinction? Gone to town shopping? I don't know. Perhaps a couple of those scenarios were a little outlandish, but then again....
I haven't been sleeping all that well lately. Getting to sleep at about 3am and later has been the norm, not great when I need to be up before 7 for work. So, consequently this week I have been going round like a zombie during the day. Bits will start to drop off before long. I reckon my arms will be the first bits to give up. :-) It is my weekend on this weekend, so I really must try my hardest to get some sleep. (not that I haven't been trying already admittedly.
Have absolutely made up my mind now, about the "telling the vicar" thing. This Sunday is the day, I am psyching myself up to say. I have no idea why I should find it so difficult to tell him, after all he was there once himself, and if I should be saying anything to anyone then he's the man. But I am convinced that he will laugh me away, and tell me to go away, or something along those lines.
MLO told me I was being stupid thinking that, and in all probability he will be totally fine about it. He is more than likely right, but it doesn't stop me worrying.
I am a natural born worrier when it comes to what people think of me. Everything else, and I am the most totally laid back person you could ever hope to meet.
Trouble is, what if he doesn't really believe me in what I say, or worse still, think I am somehow trying to take the mickey out of him? Stopped at the first hurdle, I would have to find another church and start the whole getting to know the vicar and others all over again.
MLO's mother is in the breakfast room at present cleaning out one of her cupboards, never have I met anyone who makes such a fuss over getting a simple job done. Sat on the floor surrounded by the former contents of the aforementioned cupboard, she has given up now I think. She wants someone else to put it all away again for her. She can be a real trial sometimes. But there you go, that's how she has always been, so I shouldn't really expect a miraculous personality alteration.
Have been doing a few more of the "What kind of Christian are you" quizzes, some come out sort of where I would expect them to, but some not so near. If I took into account all the main outcomes from the quizzes, I would be classed as: An evangelical, neo orthodox, postmodern emergent Wesleyan Anglican. So make of that what you will, certainly covers a lot of bases. I have listed those more or less in the frequency they turned up in quizzes. But as Anglican was only an option in one of the quizzes, it is at the end, but I am definitely more Anglican than that. Plus, I am not so sure about the evangelical bit either really, having thought about it, I can identify with some of it, but it seems to be at two extremes, one end is so liberal, I don't feel it is really church as such, the other end is so conservative, and rigid, that it seems a little crazy. Unless you stick me firmly in the middle, then perhaps it would be about right. I dont know though.
I think the time has come for me to go to bed and attempt to get some shuteye. So night night all.

In prayer last night, I had one of those moments when you know God is there, right by you. It is a wonderful experience, and something that increases my trust and faith in Him. To feel God so close, to know He is there by your side, that He cares about you so much, to be there whenever you may need him to be, is so intensely comforting and wonderful. If ever anything gets into my mind that may make me lose some of the faith I have in Him, it is moments like this that put my heart and mind at rest, and allow me to trust in Him fully again.
Back to this morning now, and it is a glorious day so far. The sun is out, the birds are singing and everyone seems happy. One of those days when you feel anything is possible.
It is lunchtime now, will have a chicken sandwich I think. Am busy waiting for the other girl who works here on my days off, to come back from shopping, so I can sort all that stuff out. You can guarantee that if I get stuck into lunch now she will return while I am in the middle of it.
I think I will attempt to convince the other half to come along with me to church in the morning. Realised with him being away this weekend, as I cant drive, I have no way to get to church on Sunday. I cant really walk either as it is about 5 miles along busy country roads each way. So not practical. My bicycle is beyond repair, so that is out of the question. Oh what is a girl to do. I havnt been going long enough to know anyone well enough to ask for a lift either. There is no public transport, and a local taxi will cost at least £20 each way. Really they do. A taxi good from work the last time I needed one, for a seven minute journey cost me £15 for the one way midweek.
I think I had better get back to work for a bit now. I spend far too long on the net when I should be working. Ttfn.

Really, nothing much at all happened, so I dont know what to tell you. The weather wasn't anything to write home about for most of the day, a little bit wet this morning, and cloudy for the rest of the day. Then at about 7:00pm we had the most tremendous thunderstorm, the sky was black, lightning flying across the sky, and lterally nonstop thunder, each rumble running into the next so a wall of sound for at least a quarter of an hour. Then came the rain; stairrods would be a good description, closely followed by some pretty crazy hail, the lawn was white for a time afterwards. All our gutters were overflowing, but that my well have had more to do with the fact that the gutters could need cleaning. 

Did I say nothing much happened today, I forgot about the storm.

My lovely other half came home from work today with a brand new pressure washer in tow, so we had fun putting all the bits together on it, next thing will be the fight over who gets to use it first. The patios and drives all need doing, they havn't been done since last summer, and are starting to look a little green around the edges. I know what will happen though, he will get first bragging rights on it, do about two stones on the patio, then get fed up and hand it to me. Dont you just love him..... I dont really mind though, as using a pressure washer is immensly satifying, you can  immediately see where you have been. Beats getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing too.

Wanted to get back into the garden today and finish off what I did on Monday, but due to the wetness out there that was a no-no, slightly annoyed at the weather really as I cant get out there to do anything now until Sunday afternoon at the earliest. The birds have been having a wonderful time grubbing around all the bare earth which has been great fun to watch. In the one part we have a lovely water garden cum rockery, and I had dug a trench all round it intending to fill with gravel, and give it a bit more definition,  I didn't get the gravel in it though, and left the trench empty, and for some reason a couple of blackbirds that live in the garden love to run along it and round the rockery, very funny, a bit like a blackbird grand prix.

Had a bit of an off time earlier, was worried silly what on earth the vicar will think, when I tell him about everything. I then remembered that whatever happens, it is what God wants, and to get over myself,   that helped. It's odd though, sometimes its almost like I dont know myself, a peculiar feeling I can't properly describe. Almost like I am looking at myself from a different perspective, like from outside of myself? Oh that sounds bonkers. I can assure you I am totally not bonkers though... Really...Though I can't make head nor tail of myself at the moment.

I am really loving my prayer time too, never having been comfortable with too much of it, or silence before. Now I almost crave it, and need the time during the day to sort things out, I have to have my little conversations with God, and can't start the day off without it. Something that has helped me greatly with this is the "Book of Common Worship, Daily Prayer" and also the Daily Prayer section on the Church of England website for when I am away from home. Both have been a great help to me, giving some kind of continuity to my prayer, and giving me inspiration for al those other little prayers throughout the day. Another book worth reading is "How to Pray" by John Pritchard, gives lots of examples about how to pray (obviously) and the various methods you can use. It is quite a bit more in depth than I have managed to describe, but there are plenty of reviews on the net for it.

I havn't told my mum yet about everything, well not in so many words anyway. I got her to sign up for Twitter, where I had published my intentions and feelings. She obviously read them, as she commented on one of my posts (not about how I felt). Strange thing is next time we met up, she didn't mention it to me. Perhaps she is still trying to get her head round it. It's not as if I didn't give her any hints though. When I was a child I constantly used to tell her I was going to be a vicar, when she told me that girls couldn't be vicars, I used to say well I'll be a missionary then, like David Livingstone. She would then inform me that girls couldn't do that either. So I told her I would be a nun then. The conversation usually ended there. I dont think she ever really took me seriously

Anyway that's enough for today I think, so night night.