"No way " said I
To one who cried
the mantra
"Wait,"
For I knew more than he
So I believed

"No way" said I
to one who cried
in tear stained notes
of agony
And wept. And I
declared  "I know!"
So, I believed

"No way" said I
to the one who cried
"You doubt in me?"
"But why?"
The looked at me
with purest love and humility.
So I believed.

Back again.
So, what have I been up to since I last blogged? Rather a lot as it happens. I had just been baptised and confirmed last I posted and I still find myself thinking "Oooh, wow" about it every now and then.
Work and everyday life are much the same as usual, so nothing to write about there really, but to my own amazement, I have started the Alpha course at the town church.
I had always viewed the Alpha course through internet rumour tinted glasses (speaking from hindsight here), and after reading countless reviews of how it was nothing to do with Christianity, or if it was, all it encouraged you to do was roll about on the floor barking like a dog, and making out it was the Holy Spirit responsible, I am glad to say that so far, it is nothing like that at all, and I am really rather enjoying it.
There are seven of us doing the course which is great, not too many to be impersonal, and not too few to not get a few different viewpoints. One on the course did the confirmation course and was confirmed at the same time as me, so someone I knew already, with the vicar leading the group.
Before I went, I was very dubious about the whole thing indeed, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that if it really was that bad, I could leave at any time, but would never really know until I went.
I was very pleasantly surprised. The best thing about it, apart from the lovely meal before hand, is the ability to talk about everything, without worrying about whether who we talk to thinks that we are either thick, or a bit nutty, and also being able to listen to other people talk about their faith, life and relationship with God. Many times I have thought to myself "that's it" because I had never thought of something in the way the other person had. I have found being able to talk about my faith with MLO much easier too, practice makes perfect in that respect I guess.
Have been to seven of the sessions now, and have four left, I think.

Something else has been going on, whether it is linked with my going to Alpha or not, I am not sure, it may do and then again, may not. I have started to ask myself whether my faith is really what I think it is - if that make sense. What I think I mean is, whether it is all that strong, and whether I really trust in God with my whole heart or not. I have been thinking more and more about it the past few weeks, and have come to the conclusion that I had kidded myself about how strong it was/is, so basically I really wasn't trusting in God with my whole heart. I was at work one afternoon, and had some quiet time to myself, so was having a good think. At the time I was pretty much beating myself up, convincing myself that no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, it would never be good enough, that I was rather useless in fact. I couldn't get my head round the simple fact of just believing, and trusting in God. I had kidded myself that I did, but it was painfully obvious that I didn't. While all these things were going round in my head, Lazarus walked into the shop, obviously not the Lazarus from the bible, complete with grave clothes and a napkin on his face, but a Mr Lazarus, but at that moment, it was Lazarus stood there paying for petrol. All I thought at that moment was, "I need to die to myself so I can be reborn, and to believe - have faith in Jesus, that in him everything is possible. Just trust, believe and receive". To say I was a bit "what just happened there" would be an understatement, although I know what did happen, was Mr Lazarus came into the shop to pay for fuel, it could have been anyone else, but for him to come in at that moment.......well. Ever since then, I have read, seen and heard all over the place time and time and time again,in bible verses, prayers, hymns, articles even on television and radio, the words over and over again, "Trust in the Lord with your whole heart, and lean not on your own understanding", Worded differently, told in a tale and a hundred other ways. Maybe I am just looking out for it, but it keeps popping up all the time.
Trouble is, I don't know how to. I genuinely thought I did, obviously I didn't. Although having said that, thinking about it, I wonder whether it might be something. There is something I really want to do , but haven't put my name down to volunteer, as I am convinced that everyone will say I'm either not good enough, or wonder how I dared to put my name down in the first place. Perhaps that's it. I remember when I first saw the opportunity, it lice for a prayer to be said for them if they needed literally jumped out at me, four weeks ago now, and I haven't been able to get the idea out of my heart and head since. Perhaps that is all it is, to trust that it is what God wants for me? I guess I'll never know unless I try will I?
Oh well.
Last Sunday, church was very different to usual, at the town church anyway. It sort of turned into a healing service somewhere along the way, complete with cheesy american muzak. Two of the regulars told of their experience of healing, including one of cancer being removed from the one persons husbands hand, gone, without a trace, after prayer. They went on to talk about the power of laying on hands and how it had affected them. Next thing they invited people up to be healed, at least that's what I thought they asked, cue cheesy muzak, and cue silence from the congregation. Everyone became glued to their seats at that point. After a few minutes of standing there with no takers, the one simply said thankyou ,and sat down. Poor man. Afterwards at some point, I cant remember when exactly the vicar stood up and said he felt that God was letting him know that someone had a bad right eye, and that people could go up after the service, and the vicar and others would pray for them if they needed it.
At the end, I suggested that MLO go to have a prayer said for him, as he has had a very painful shoulder for the last few weeks, fully expecting him to look at me as if I had gone a bit in the head, but to my utter amazement he said "why not", so we went up and waited, and he had a prayer said for him by the vicar and another man whose name I don't know. MLO was really touched by it, and started to well up a bit, but that's not difficult when the vicar says a prayer, you know that he means it with his whole heart.
Anyhoo that's me all up to date again, for the time being anyway. Have another Alpha meeting tomorrow night, all about resisting evil. That should be interesting. We have skipped the ninth session - how can I be filled with the Holy Spirit, having done the other two on the Holy Spirit Saturday just gone. Not sure when we are doing the ninth. Anyway TTFN.

What do I start with today then? Whenever I start to type, I never really have any idea what on earth I will write about, and tend to make it up as I go along. (Not make it up as in make it up, I hasten to add). If that makes sense? Oh well.
The weather has been spectacularly gorgeous for the past couple of days, we really are being spoiled. Give it another week however and I will probably be praying for rain.
Was unexpectedly busy at work this afternoon, after a quiet morning, most of the customers we had, wanted to get petrol for their lawnmowers, so despite being busy customer number wise, we didn't take as much as was hoped, but still not that bad a day.
Mr M came up again for another natter, and to tell me all about a charity tractor drive he did the other day, for the Hereford Lions Club, all around the Herefordshire countryside of Much Marcle, Woolhope, Mordiford and Fownhope. He brought up the map of their route along roads and cross country. Altogether 70 tractors took part. Mainly older smaller tractors. Must have been quite a sight with 70 tractors in convoy heading off over Marcle Ridge. Anyway on his map was our old farm so I enjoyed telling him all about that.
Had quite an odd day yesterday at work. Polished everything in the place, it now smells like a spring bouquet, well thats what it said on the can. Other than that, it was extraordinarily quiet, even by the standard of late. El bosso was in a very queer mood. Only problem is when he is a bit off, everyone else picks up on it, and it can be a pretty uncomfortable place to be and work at, at times like that. Not nice.
Had a bit of an argument with MLOs mother in the morning, well she was arguing, more with herself than anything. She has times like that, we all do, but whereas I tend to disappear off somewhere on my own to stop myself saying something I will regret, she just says the first thing that comes into her head, which frequently is pretty hurtful. So had a bad start to the day. When I got home in the evening, I was a bit frazzled from work, But MLOs mother obviously still had the disagreement in her. I sloped up to bed as I couldn't cope with her going on just then. I had a relatively early night though which was great. Only problem, I got a bit cheesed off, I had had a cruddy day at work, a cruddy start, and finished it on much the same foot, so what did I do? I ended up having a rant at God about the unfairness of it all, really laid into Him, was altogether a not nice person in fact. When I had calmed down, and thought about it all, I felt so crap at what I had thought and said, I ended up hating myself to sleep.
When I was asleep, I had some of the oddest dreams, I don't always remember them, but when I do, I wonder what on earth they were about. One part of it was in a hall somewhere with a large audience, no idea where or why we were there. We were sat at the front and a curly haired blonde man came up with a microphone and said he had better interview me, oh, right I thought ok then. He asked me how I was, so I replied by asking him how he was, at this the people in the hall started laughing, ooh great I thought, I dint have to say much and they love it. Next his comment threw me, "What do you think went wrong with the choir?" at that I replied, no idea, I've got nothing to do with the choir, that threw him then, as in fact I had no idea what choir he was on about. Next we (that is whoever was with me in the dream) were still sat down at the front, and there was an elderly black gentleman sat sideways on to me, he smiled at me, then held my hand, for no apparent reason. However in my dream I didn't mind, and found it very reassuring. Next thing, he leaned forward and whispered to me "Why are you so angry". Now in my dream I wasn't at all angry and said so. For some reason in my dream, I was along a rail line somewhere, on one side were the back walls of houses, and on the other were bushes, trees and a low concrete wall. It was pretty wide, so you could stand at the side as a train went by without worry. In my dream then a whole bunch of children appeared, there must have been twenty or so of them, they were walking right along the line, and in the dream, it was my responsibility to make sure they cleared off the line when a train was coming, we managed for a few, then another train came along that was silent, and by the time I saw it, it was too late, and it went into the children, a group of four boys who I understood to be brothers. They weren't hurt though for some reason. Then I was back home and MLOs mother was laying into me saying I should have looked after them properly, I was feeling bad already without her adding to it. Then I woke up.
One of the oddest and most memorable dreams I have ever had.
But the first thing that came into my mind was the man asking me why I was so angry while he held my hand. I thought about it quite a lot and realised I was angry really, angry at the way people behaved towards me at times, angry at God and angry at and with myself. So I thought about it a bit more, I still haven't really worked it all out of my system yet . I was convinced that I had buggered it up with God, that he wasn't there anymore. A pretty bad place to be to be true. Horrible in fact. I couldn't explain it. Even found it hard to pray this morning. A truly rotten way to be. On my mobile phone I have a copy of the KJV bible, and you can set it to random pick a book or verse. I did that, and it came out with Proverbs 1. After reading that, I didn't know whether it would all be ok, or because of my hot headedness, I was basically doomed. Not ok. I eventually did morning prayer at half ten this morning, via mobile phone and the C of E website. The two psalms (42 and 43) pretty much summed up exactly how I was feeling, after reading them, and the words

"Why are you so full of heaviness, O my soul, •
and why are you so disquieted within me?"
"O put your trust in God; •
for I will yet give him thanks,
who is the help of my countenance, and my God."

I thought about the meaning, and realised I needed to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. Very silly behaviour. After I had thought on these words and everything else and had a stern talk to myself, things got a bit better, God was there, I was too busy wrapped up in my own self pity to notice.
Why do I get like this. I get terrified that I have pushed Him away and lost him for good, that He will be gone from me for good. It's more than I can bear, and nearly tears my heart out. Each and every time I bring it on myself. I start to question God, which to start with , is a bad place to be in., I dig a hole and make it deeper, one day, if I carry on getting like this, I will dig a hole so deep, I will never get out of it. And that scares me. I really need to sort out why I get so angry about things when I am upset. I should be going to God then, not taking it out on him. I need to trust in Him with my whole heart, that's what it is. I obviously still don't do I?
I need quiet time with Him, time for prayer and listening. Stop listening to my own notions, and have faith.

Lord, fill me with love
Like the love that you have for me.
Let me be able to love you, all your people and your creation the same.
Lord, fill me with hope.
A hope for the future, both ours and the earths.
Like the hope you have for us all.
Lord fill me with joy.
Like the joy you have in each one of us, your creation and mankind.
Lord fill me with faith.
A belief in a Heaven on earth.
Just as you have faith in our ability to achieve it.
Most of all Lord.
Fill me with your grace.
That I may fully appreciate the
love, hope joy and faith,
You have for me and for us all.
And that I may also have love, hope, joy and faith.
In you, all people and all the earth.
Amen.

In prayer last night, I had one of those moments when you know God is there, right by you. It is a wonderful experience, and something that increases my trust and faith in Him. To feel God so close, to know He is there by your side, that He cares about you so much, to be there whenever you may need him to be, is so intensely comforting and wonderful. If ever anything gets into my mind that may make me lose some of the faith I have in Him, it is moments like this that put my heart and mind at rest, and allow me to trust in Him fully again.
Back to this morning now, and it is a glorious day so far. The sun is out, the birds are singing and everyone seems happy. One of those days when you feel anything is possible.
It is lunchtime now, will have a chicken sandwich I think. Am busy waiting for the other girl who works here on my days off, to come back from shopping, so I can sort all that stuff out. You can guarantee that if I get stuck into lunch now she will return while I am in the middle of it.
I think I will attempt to convince the other half to come along with me to church in the morning. Realised with him being away this weekend, as I cant drive, I have no way to get to church on Sunday. I cant really walk either as it is about 5 miles along busy country roads each way. So not practical. My bicycle is beyond repair, so that is out of the question. Oh what is a girl to do. I havnt been going long enough to know anyone well enough to ask for a lift either. There is no public transport, and a local taxi will cost at least £20 each way. Really they do. A taxi good from work the last time I needed one, for a seven minute journey cost me £15 for the one way midweek.
I think I had better get back to work for a bit now. I spend far too long on the net when I should be working. Ttfn.

I look into the light,
to see what lies beyond.
For answers to my longing.
The ache within my soul.
Night turns to day,
but back to night again.
Your joy is ever present
but also is your pain.
I cry within for answers
but they're already known.
The moment that I knew you,
the seeds of love were sown
To trust in you is all that i can do.
No options left to decide, what it is that I should do.

To serve you lord,
serve all of man.
Is my souls deepest longing,
I'll do it if I can.
But how can I prove it,
what shall i say?
Who do I go to?
Do I do it today?
To live a single day on earth,
as your lovely son would ask.
Is all I can aspire to.
Such a gloroious, perfect task.

Tears pour down my face.
Is it that Im sad?
Perhaps tears of joy,
I could be going mad.
I really need to talk,
but I've said all that I can say.
So I'll say it without words.
Get on my knees and pray.

Life each day,
with you there by my side.
You guard me and guide me
I have nowhere to hide.
If I ran,
You'd find me there.
But how could I ever leave,
A love so true and fair.