Happy Easter one and all.

Have had a good few days since I last posted, well, weeks really, since I last posted a proper post type post. Anyway. This week has been busy one way or another, have been at work all week, and had church most evenings, which has been lovely. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday we had shared services with the neighbouring United Reformed Church. Each evening we had a talk, given by the vicar, and compline (Monday and Tuesday) and an evening of Iona community type prayer at the URC church on the Wednesday. It was great to go to another church for an evening. On the Maundy Thursday evening there was another talk, followed by a foot-washing, then communion. Several people went up to get their feet washed, and watching the vicar doing it was really moving in a way, more-so than I thought it would be (never having been to a Maundy Thursday service before), and at one point, one lady whose feet the vicar washed, then got the vicar to sit down, and washed his feet.

Unfortunately, I was required to work on Good Friday, so missed the services then, but was able to go to the Easter Vigil on Saturday night. I think that of all the services I have been to, through this last year or so since I returned to The Church, the Easter Vigil is my favourite. Starting out in the church , in silence and with no light, then lighting the fire outside, then the Paschal candle from the fire, and processing back into church. Then as the candle is processed down the church all the candles being lit, and spreading light as it goes, is, I think, as close to magic as it is possible to get.

When we were all sat in the darkness and silence at the beginning, dusk was falling outside, and as such, all the birds were singing, as I closed my eyes to think, it was almost as if I was in front of the tomb, waiting and expectant, everything silent and still before dawn, and the birds singing it was like they were sat in trees and bushes there singing before the dawn and the start of a new day. It was really wonderful.

The seven readings were given by candlelight, and when the vicar came down to read the Gospel, with the incense billowing (and boy did it billow) and everyones face lit by the candles with the smoke wreathing around, you could be anywhere in time. Lovely.  We also were able to renew our baptism vows ourselves by going up and dipping our fingers in the water and putting a cross on our foreheads with it. Again I found that incredibly moving, whether it was because I still had the memory of being baptised very recently in my head, or what, I don't know, but when it dipped my fingers in I was surprised by the fact that it was so warm, fully expecting it to be cold, the only thing I could think of was that it was like blood, which I suppose, in one manner it was. When I went and returned to my seat, I really had to stop and have a good think about it. Then we had communion, and it reminded me of the first time I took communion, after I had been baptised and confirmed in January. Lent and Easter have really made me think about things this year, but I think that that it is supposed to do that, so I shouldn't really be too surprised.

As we walked out from the church, somewhere close by began letting off fireworks and put on a wonderful display. I don't know whether another church was using them to celebrate Easter I don't know, but they seemed very fitting at the time. 

One thing that I couldn't quite understand was how few people had gone to it, 20 I think, including the vicar etc. During the week at the services there had been at least twice as many, with different ones coming on different evenings, whether the word vigil put them off, I'm not sure,  although I know whenever I hear the word otherwise, it does make me think of a bedside vigil, a very sombre and sad affair, nothing like the service at all. Never mind.

On to today now. As I was working this morning I missed the service at town church, but went to the evening Easter service at the country church. The church was much fuller than usual, which wasn't unexpected. Another really lovely service, and yet again moving. One man stood up to read from Acts 10.34 -43 but he couldn't contain his emotions and said the last few sentences with tears running down his face and trying so hard not to break down, he was so moved by the words he was reading. It was almost more than the rest of us could do to not cry. The rest of the service passed, and it was time to go home.

I cant remember whether I had mentioned or not about the fact that I was really uncertain about what I should be doing, or rather I did more or less know, just that I wasn't really willing to trust and have faith. Well finally I plucked up enough courage to ask the vicar whether it would be possible to have another talk with him about things, try to make sense of it a bit, and explain myself a little more. When I spoke to him last June, I still wasn't certain what the heck was going on really, and while I still don't have much of a clue to it all, it seems to make a bit more sense, and I think I am able to explain myself, or how I feel. I think I know myself a bit better too, which I hope is a good thing. Anyway I rang the vicar up on Maundy Thursday and asked if it would be possible to have a chat yes he said, what about today? It must have been about four in the afternoon when I rang, with a service at 7:30, and me not finishing work till seven, I didn't think that was going to be possible, but how sweet that he was willing to at such short notice. He is away on holiday for a week now, and he said to remind him about it, so will talk in a couple of weeks. Which I look forward to.

The other thing I had been struggling with was that however wonderful and lovely, kind and patient MLO has been with me, when I have been talking to him about how I feel, and trying to put into words something that sometimes seems impossible to put into words, I really felt that I needed to talk to someone who felt the same, someone who felt that they may have been called to become a vicar. It was really getting at me,  I just wanted to discuss with someone the way I felt and listen to how they felt, maybe get some sort of a gauge as to what was normal, for them anyway, and if it in anyway resembled how I felt. I had been praying about it for a while, and said to MLO several times that it was getting to me. Then a woman who had been to a couple of the confirmation classes with the rest of us, who usually goes to the morning church, started to come to the evening church, and last week we got talking after the service, and somehow ended up discovering that she also wanted to be a vicar, somehow she then also worked out that I did also. Spoke again for an hour after church tonight about things. So, one ecstatically happy bunny here, have arranged to have a real good talk next Sunday after church, really looking forward to it.

Must go now, getting very late, and cold in the study, so night night, and once again

HAPPY EASTER 

Right now, I want to blog even need to blog, but I'm sat here staring at the screen with no idea what to write. 

Today. I have not known where to put myself, or what to do one minute to the next. My mind is all over the place trying to think over, a hundred and one things but managing  to achieve nothing. Didn't start the day off too badly, did some washing, which had to be dried inside due to the pouring rain. Then I stopped and thought, and thought some more and carried on thinking till my brain was scrambled. Tried to get in touch with the vicar on the phone, but yet again no-one there. After all the failed attempts at trying to get my details to him, after he requested them, then MLO saying far more than he really should, far too soon anyway, and the total failure to get in touch since, I wonder if perhaps someone is trying to tell me something. With my whole heart, I hope and pray that isn't so, but something feels wrong, and whether it is just that things were said too soon, and made things difficult, or that I have completely and utterly misread a large part of what my life is and has been up to this point, I'm not sure. On the other hand it may be that I am so worried about what the vicar thinks, and the worry that he will come to a conclusion, other than the one I would wish, that I am completely wrapped up in what ifs and worrying myself stupid over them, rather than just seeing what happens.  Still feeling pretty rubbish over the whole thing right now though.  Have tried talking to MLO about it, but I think he is a bit fed up with me mentioning it right now, and if I press him for details of what he said, he wont tell me, and just says to talk to the vicar. Not the most helpful response when I need to talk about how I am feeling. Or perhaps all I really want is for him to say things will be OK,  to put my mind at rest a little. Perhaps.  To be honest, I don't know myself what I want or need, except that I need to work out what is wrong, whether the way I feel is of my own making or otherwise. 

Off to bed now, after a few prayers, calm me down a bit anyway, re center me. So night night. Hopefully I can talk tomorrow with the vicar, you never know, I may be worrying over nothing. 

Au revoir.

Not a lot to tell here today. Weather was wonderful again, as it has been now for days. The morning was not overly quiet at work, with the usual rush just before closing time. As it was the last day of the month, a few of the account customers came in to put fuel etc onto their account before they are sent out tomorrow. Plus I had the usual Sunday closing time rush. Don't ask me why they do it, but for some reason the customers leave it until the very last possible minute before coming up.  If ever I say anything about the time, the reply I nearly always get is, "Yes I know, that's why I came up because you  are about to close".  Why they cant come up at quarter to I will never know. Anyway rant over.

MLOs mother was packed off, up to Northumberland for the next seven days. So a quiet happy and peaceful house is resumed. It is as good as having a holiday when she is away. If I want to mooch around in my undies I can without worry, and if the washing up isn't done immediately it doesn't matter. Bliss.

Church this evening was enjoyable.  Vicar gave a very different sermon for Pentecost compared to his usual fare, and couldn't help but smile when in his sermon he used several sentences of something I read only that morning online. A few different faces about there too.

Lately when it has come to Communion, I have been staying in the pew, and not even going up for a blessing. It has suited me this way, and I figured it would make it a bit more special for when I had been baptised and confirmed. Trouble was I frequently got extremely disapproving looks from some of the congregation. Anyway, tonight, I saw the vicar frown in my direction as the last few had been given Communion. I hoped that he didn't feel offended or think I was deliberately turning my nose up at it. I had really wanted to talk to the vicar about getting baptised and confirmed, but he was always talking with someone else, so never had the chance, and really would rather talk face to face than via e-mail etc. Well, at the end of the service, the Vicar came over and asked me why it was I didn't go up for communion. When I answered him that I hadn't even been baptised, he seemed genuinely surprised at my answer, so what on earth did he think my reasons were?

Anyhoo, all turned out great, he said to me to leave my name and address with the parish office, and we can get together and have a chat about baptism. So all turned out pretty spectacularly well. Odd that all week since last Sunday I have felt like something was getting going, and I told MLO. I also was sticking to the notion that things will happen in their own time, and they have, but its like I was expecting it if that makes sense.

Oh well, it is another late night for me, so must get to bed asap. Am going to bed in a really happy mood. Very different to how I felt early on yesterday and the day before. All is well.

This morning, MLO took me to work, which was awfully nice of him. He then proceeded to stay for the next two and a quarter hours. We ended up having a reaaly good talk about everything.
Previously, whenever I had asked MLO if he was ok about everything, he simply said "Yes, no problems, all ok." Thing was, I wasn't too certain that he really was all ok. I felt that something was niggling at him, but wasn't certain what. I thought that the reason he seemed a lttle bit unsure, was because he really wasn't certain in himself that he agreed that I should follow what I believed I should do. But, it turned out, that he really is A.OK about me doing it, it was just that he had a few little worries about things such as , would we need to move if I ever got to that stage, and what would be expected of him. Seems as though every time I had asked him if everything was OK, he was misunderstanding the way I intended the question. I meant was he OK, he thought I meant was he OK with me, he didn't realise I meant was he OK.
We are all nice and sorted out now, and I can tell a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. From a rather selfish point of view though, I was so relieved when he said that he didn't have any misgivings about me going ahead with things, I was so terrified that he didn't think I should. So, to be honest I am a lot lot happier now that's all sorted out.
The thing with MLO is he is never one to really show his feelings too much, and if you ask him he'll just say "Oh I'm alright" when you know he isn't really, but today he managed to talk about his feelings, worries and thoughts, in a way he has never managed before.
One of our customers came in today looking for computer advice. Not sure why they always come to me about it I'm sure, but I'm honoured that they do. Turns out, he has just had a savings account mature, one that he has had saving for 45 years, I cannot begin to imagine what sort of interest that has gathered, but anyway, with his new found wealth he wanted advice on which would be a good computer for him, a he has never had one before. He had been to PCWorld and to Comet and come up with a couple at the amount he wanted to spend, and also said he had spoken with the staff there. I do not understand why they do what they do there, and tell outright lies, in order to make a sale. They told him he would need at least 500Gb hard drive, 4Gb RAM, full hd screen, Blu-Ray, and a good graphics card, when he told them all he wanted to do was go on the internet. Cheeky buggers they are. They then tried to tell him that if he bought a computer off them, then he absolutely must buy their extended warranty, at £350 for two years. The computer is covered for that length by a manufacturers warranty, how can companies like PCWorld etc get away with it. Scaring customers with tales of woe, to make them feel obliged to buy the warranties?
Anyway, we found a really good one at Mesh computers for him, same price, but far far better.

On the way home tonight we saw an amazing cloud in the sky, after searching around on google, it turns out it was what is known as a cumulonimbus incus, very exciting to see. Other half got a pic on his phone, but unable to upload to my computer, so have another image off the net of one that is practically identical. If I can get the image off his phone, I will put that on aswell.