I am currently sat in the study, wondering where Sunday afternoon and today have gone to. Way way way too fast for my liking. Work again tomorrow. Hasn't been too bad a day today though, quite enjoyable really. Decided to be quite ruthless with myself, and have started going through a load of my old things, have found bags of things that I wont mind getting rid of, which is quite an accomplishment when I don't have an awful lot, but obviously quite a bit more than I first thought. Books, magazines, old computer games and things, clothes, lotions and potions that I have never started or opened, films I no longer want and music that I have got fed up with, not sure whether to do a car boot, or just take it to a couple of charity shops in Hereford. I think the charity shop idea sounds better.    

I made a blackberry, apple and raspberry crumble for pudding tonight, it started out life as a blackberry and apple crumble, but I remembered some polish raspberry syrup I had bought and so added a couple of tablespoons of that to it, very nice , with hot custard. MLO said he enjoyed it, so did his mum, which was quite surprising. 

Yesterday when I was getting ready for church, I was listening to Radio 3, when the most beautiful piece of music came on, I cant remember the exact title unfortunately, but I think it was called  "When the winds have stopped", and was a man called Gasparyan, on an Armenian instrument called a duduk, with the Bulgarian Orchestra. The most hauntingly beautiful piece of music I have heard for a long time. I tried googling it, but no luck, but did find plenty different music of his, including two albums on Spotify.

Ah, after doing a bit more searching around on youtube, I don't think that it was in fact Gasparyan playing, I think he must just have been mentioned in passing. The title, is "The winds have dropped" and is played here by Lévon Minassian

Other than cooking and sorting, I haven't really done much today. Yesterday, I had work in the morning, and yet again, as on all other recent Sundays,  it was incredibly quiet. I would say, I don't know why we open on a Sunday, but if we didn't, then that would mean me and the other girl, each  taking home over £1000 less per year, an amount that neither of us could really afford to not be paid. So while I wish we didn't have to, I am also rather glad that we do.

It was utterly tipping it down with rain yesterday afternoon, and had to dress up to the nines in wet weather clothing to go to church.  The car park is a little too far away to be able to make a dash for it, and the path also goes through the churchyard, so not only would it feel weird running there, but it is also rather muddy and puddly. When we got into the porch, the benches were covered in an assortment of jackets and umbrellas, even a bicycle, although I don't think anyone was relying on that to keep themselves dry. C arrived while we were shaking ourselves off, with his usual cigarette in hand. Anyway we all went in, there were quite a few more people in there than usual, and where we usually sit, had been reserved by someone by placing a collection bowl and two hymn books on the seat. This left us with a dilemma, having to decide where to sit. Only having had to do this on two previous occasions, once when we first went there, and again at Easter when nearly every seat was taken, we really didn't know where to sit for the best, but opted for the back, behind everyone else. It was another enjoyable service, with great hymns again. I have no idea who picks them, but they are great for a good old sing. We had one that I love, "Come Holy Spirit, our souls inspire" we had one last week sung to the same tune but different. This is the Third time we have had that one since we have been going, so someone else obviously likes it too. When it came to Communion, I wasn't the only one not to go up for a change, so I didn't feel so much of a sore thumb. Thing is though, as each week goes by it gets more difficult somehow, I feel like shouting let me up there for heavens sake, and while I know I can be blessed, it doesn't seem right, not that being blessed feels wrong, but that going up, and kneeling in the line and not receiving, like I am interloping in something so special, between everyone else, and Jesus, not that anyone makes me feel that way, it is just how I feel myself. I just wish I could take Communion. I feel quite sad that I cant yet, and have to wait on the Bishop to have a space in his diary to enable me to  do so. Not that I am having a go at him for being busy, just that it at times seems to me that if a person wants with all their heart and soul to take Communion, then surely that should be enough to enable them to do so, and if done without thought or reason then that is something they will have to sort out between themselves and God.  

Sorry about that, it is just how I am feeling right now, well, also how I feel every time I go to church to be honest, I realise that a great many people will disagree with me, but I wonder how many who do, do so from the privileged position of having been confirmed when they were young, and never having to have sat though Communion and not take part, despite it being their dearest wish to do so and wanting to with all their heart.

I didn't manage to say much to the vicar, as I expected, but that was more due to the fact that there were a lot of people for him to get through saying goodbye to. He did ask us if we were going on Holiday anywhere though, just as I was thinking of mentioning something an old boy who goes there sometimes popped up, impatient to leave as his wife was waiting for him out in the car park, so we left to let him say his good byes. 

Anyway, it is now rather late, and I have work in the morning, so really I should get to bed. So night night. 

R.I.P  MICHAEL JACKSON.

Ooh hasn't today been lovely, well, it has been with us here anyway, a lovely cool start and ending up with glorious warm sunshine. Wonderful. Am writing this, after having been on Twitter, and also just having heard that Michael Jackson has died. I don't know why but it has made me feel quite sad, I suppose because he always seemed so lonely to me. 

The past two days haven't been too bad really, yesterday was a little sweaty, but not too bad, today warmer but fresher, rain must be on the way. Actually rain is on the way, have had a few storm warnings issued, but doubt they will reach here, but you never know. 

It was pretty busy at work today which was wonderful, much much nicer to work when it is busy, instead of waiting up to and hour between customers, which has happened from time to time, people were queueing up.  Yesterday was quite a bit quieter, and we took less than half of what we managed today. 

Have been feeling pretty joyful about everything today, don't ask me to explain, or give a reason why, because I couldn't do so , even if I tried. Everything is making me smile again. I felt like giving complete strangers big hugs and bursting into song all the time. It's great. :-)

Only four more days until I go to see the vicar about being baptised and stuff. I say stuff, because after what My Lovely Other said to him, I think I should come clean about precisely what my reasons are for wanting to be baptised (or "dunked" as MLO so eloquently puts it)  and confirmed, strangely I am now looking forward to telling him. I want to get it off my chest so to speak.  

Weird that I feel higher than a kite about everything today. Will enjoy it while it lasts. 

I was reading earlier, that according to a poll 3 out of every 10 people attend regular Sunday worship at a church, with almost half saying they attend a Christmas service of some sort.. Without sounding too derisive (I hope) who did they poll? Did they poll people as they were leaving church, or did they poll them on a midweek morning, when people were too busy to take any real notice of what they were being asked?
Up until a few months ago, I was one of the people who called themselves a churchgoer, even though I wasn't really. Maybe visiting a church to look at the building, or the stained glass, but never actually attending a nuts and bolts service. If someone had asked me whether I was a Christian, I would have answered them "of course I am" without ever really considering what exactly it meant to "be a Christian", likewise if they had asked if I attended church, I would have answered yes, simply because I had, once, and knew that I should do so again, so therefore that counted. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of other people were the same. The other point about it is, if 30% of people really attend regular worship on a Sunday, where are they hiding? Behind the organ, loitering in the vestry, hanging out in the bell tower? I know this probably sounds as if I am being a little holier than thou, given my recent lack of churchgoing, but why do they publish figures, that for the most part, anyone can see are a load of nonsense. Imagine the local church, if a third of the entire parish turned up of a Sunday morning, in some parishes that would mean thousands, or at least hundreds. Not the tens (if the church is lucky) that usually show up. Why do they continue to hide the fact that churches are failing to attract large congregations?
By telling British people "dont worry, the Church is doing all right thanks, in fact we're thriving in some places", all it acheives is to send out the message "if you don't come to Church, dont worry there are plenty that do". Entirely the wrong thing to say. The Church should be doing all it can to encourage more people into Church, let everyone know that churches aren't doing all that well, have different types of service to encourage different people. Have activities that are open to large numbers of people, but most of all, let them see what the church is like, and what being a Christian is like. Let them see it isn't all hell and damnation, fire and brimstone, you don't have to live like a saint, and you can have fun.
Just spread the word, even if it doesn't conform to some Victorians prim and proper idea of Christianity, so long as it gets people involved in the Church community, and however it manages to do it, it is a success.
People want things lively, they want to be entertained, and even to learn something. What they dont want is to be told how bad they are, be bored to tears, and spoken down to. People like me want to know what we can do to make things better, for ourselves and other people.
Back to today.
Well, what can I say about today then? As I have had a day off work, it has been a nice quiet day at home.
On Sunday as we left church the one lady (I really dont know her name) handed us the annual report for the parish, to read through. It was quite interesting reading about all the people who help the parish keep going, aswell as the vicar. As I read it I tried to put the names to the faces that I see each week in church, I think I have figured out a couple of them, but certainly not all of them.
When I was reading, and seeing all the people who contribute both time and money to the church, I began to wonder if I could ever fit in there (to be honest I have wondered for a couple of weeks now). I originally thought (well, hoped) that I could slowly get involved with the church, and get to know the people there, and hopefully have them affirm what I have felt, and what I believe. But looking at the list of people there, everyone seems to have their place, and everything seems nicely sewn up, and also leaves me wondering whether it is the right place for me to be at this time.
I know that that probably seems a little melodramatic, and perhaps even over the top, but it is a feeling that is in me, and one that I cant seem to shake. This has left me feeling quite sad, as I had got to like the church and the people we saw each week.
Having re-read what I have just put down, it does seem a little over the top, but it is a feeling that I have in my gut. I will continue going for a few more weeks, to see how I feel about it then, but I'm not entirely sure my feelings will change. I sincerely hope they do though.
On a lighter note now. I am officially on the t'internet. I have a domain name all of my own, and hosting to take care of me too. Only problem is, I have no idea what to put on a website. I may just take the easy way out and link this blog to it.
One thing I would love to do though is to create a website listing all of Herefordshires churches, along with images and history of them. Somehow though, I think it is a little too ambitious a project for me to undertake, being as I only know the basics of putting together a website, having forgotten most of what I learnt on a course I did.
But, you never know.. so watch this space......as they say.