Here we are again. It is Thursday today. 

For the past few days it has been stinking hot here, so even just doing the simplest of things can make you feel weary. Today, the temperature inside where I work never fell below 27 degrees C , which isn't very comfortable over an 11 hour day I can tell you. I am utterly pooped and bone weary right now, parts of me feel like they don't belong anymore. As such, this will be a short blog, at least that is my intention, because I want to go to bed. So there.

I started the little exercise that the vicar gave me to do, only it has turned into something that is not so little, what appeared to be a short little exercise has turned into a writing project of mammoth proportions. Last night, I decided to get some of it onto computer that I had previously written, and that I would alter it as I went, thing was as I typed and read, more things came into my head, and what I had originally written had almost doubled. I never knew it was possible to have so much stuff stored away and not remember it for years, then suddenly , wham, there is is again, ten or twenty years earlier, all my feelings and thoughts, for a moment I really am back there. I found things that even though I had thought that I had forgotten about them, still had an effect on me, so obviously need to think over those, and why I still seem to be carrying them around. I have also found that mostly, the things which cause me the greatest upset, are things that I have done to other people, not what other people have done to me. Mostly but not all though. For a time last night I began to feel a little wretched with myself when I realised all the times I had hurt someone I was close to, or said something and have only now realised that I never apologised.  It seems at the time  I felt entirely justified in being spiteful, or hurtful,  -not something I wanted to find, but now I have, I need to see why I behaved like it,  if I still do to some extent -which is a very worrying thought, and what I could have done differently,  or can do differently. Also what may had led me to behave like that in the first place.  Had a long conversation with God over it all, then at three in the morning MLO woke up, and had a long talk with him about it, and how I felt. When he listens he is an enormous help. He knows when to talk or to answer or to ask me something, and he also knows when a big hug will do more than anything else. Eventually got to sleep about fourish and up again at half six. But after writing for a few hours, having a think, talking to God and then talking to MLO, I have got a lot out of my system, I know what is left, but I am not ready to think about some things yet, have a lot of wrangling with myself, and conversations with God to do over those

Hope he doesn't want to read it is all I can say (the vicar , that is)  . ( Oh dear that sounds terribly bad doesn't it, I'm not really all that awful, its just a lot to wade through is all I meant).

Anyhoo, am off to bed soon, so night night. 

My mum got back from her little sojourn into the Welsh hills and mountains today, She left me a text message to let me know she was back alright, and the message that she would be calling me later on. Typical, all week I have been attempting to get to talk to her to no avail, she was obviously having far to much fun. Now she is back, and at home again, she wants to talk. She was rather annoyed about the fact that cannot meet up tomorrow as we usually do every other week. Problem was last weekend I swapped to this weekend because of MLO and his mother going to London. I did try to let her know, but as I said she was enjoying herself far too much.
Oh dear, I sound like I am getting all bitchy about my mother there, I'm not, really I'm not, but she is a bit like that.
For once work was enjoyably busy, at times anyway. Managed to take practically double what we managed yesterday, which was nice. One lady came in, and wandered round for a while, and ended up spending over £50 on sweets, ice creams biscuits and other stuff, kind of got the feeling that she may have been a compulsive spender, as her son, who couldn't have been more than 7 years old, kept saying that they didn't want half the stuff she had. But what can you do?
Well the weather was quite nice for most of the day, then went all rainy and miserable, and cheered up again just in time for the evening. Lovely.
I overslept this morning a little, I didn't manage to get out of bed until 25 minuted before I was due to leave for work. I really never thought it possible to get washed and dressed and ready so quickly. I also know that I need to sleep, almost fell asleep at work again today, which has the potential to be rather embarrassing, imagine if the boss walked in just when I was dozing, what the heck could I say to explain myself? I don't want to think about that. Have to buy a pair of matchsticks I will.
Have been mooching around the inter net for religious / Christian blogs and websites. Its strange, I never came across them when I wasn't looking for them, but now I am actively searching them out, they are everywhere. Not that I am complaining, because I am not. One thing I seem to have come up blank with on my searches has been blogs or websites about people who feel called, but before it is all out in the open as such, with maybe only close family or partners knowing. And what they are feeling, what thoughts are going through their heads, how their partners cope with the news etc. I'm sure there are blogs out there that pertain to this, but I haven't found them yet.
It would help if I could read about people in the same sort of circumstances, almost everything you read is about people who are well on the way, maybe having spoken with their vicar moths before, or people who have started training.
I'm waffling again, my brain is disconnecting from the rest of me. That means it is time for bed, and to try to get some sleep.. hopefully .
Sorry not a very long post, but I am just too tired right now. Had to shopping after work, then cook for a demanding future mother in law, then tidy up etc. Then mum rang, so very long day.
Night night everyone.