Do I really, want to know myself?

Here we are again. It is Thursday today. 

For the past few days it has been stinking hot here, so even just doing the simplest of things can make you feel weary. Today, the temperature inside where I work never fell below 27 degrees C , which isn't very comfortable over an 11 hour day I can tell you. I am utterly pooped and bone weary right now, parts of me feel like they don't belong anymore. As such, this will be a short blog, at least that is my intention, because I want to go to bed. So there.

I started the little exercise that the vicar gave me to do, only it has turned into something that is not so little, what appeared to be a short little exercise has turned into a writing project of mammoth proportions. Last night, I decided to get some of it onto computer that I had previously written, and that I would alter it as I went, thing was as I typed and read, more things came into my head, and what I had originally written had almost doubled. I never knew it was possible to have so much stuff stored away and not remember it for years, then suddenly , wham, there is is again, ten or twenty years earlier, all my feelings and thoughts, for a moment I really am back there. I found things that even though I had thought that I had forgotten about them, still had an effect on me, so obviously need to think over those, and why I still seem to be carrying them around. I have also found that mostly, the things which cause me the greatest upset, are things that I have done to other people, not what other people have done to me. Mostly but not all though. For a time last night I began to feel a little wretched with myself when I realised all the times I had hurt someone I was close to, or said something and have only now realised that I never apologised.  It seems at the time  I felt entirely justified in being spiteful, or hurtful,  -not something I wanted to find, but now I have, I need to see why I behaved like it,  if I still do to some extent -which is a very worrying thought, and what I could have done differently,  or can do differently. Also what may had led me to behave like that in the first place.  Had a long conversation with God over it all, then at three in the morning MLO woke up, and had a long talk with him about it, and how I felt. When he listens he is an enormous help. He knows when to talk or to answer or to ask me something, and he also knows when a big hug will do more than anything else. Eventually got to sleep about fourish and up again at half six. But after writing for a few hours, having a think, talking to God and then talking to MLO, I have got a lot out of my system, I know what is left, but I am not ready to think about some things yet, have a lot of wrangling with myself, and conversations with God to do over those

Hope he doesn't want to read it is all I can say (the vicar , that is)  . ( Oh dear that sounds terribly bad doesn't it, I'm not really all that awful, its just a lot to wade through is all I meant).

Anyhoo, am off to bed soon, so night night. 


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Herefordshire, United Kingdom
Born in 1975 in Brixham, in glorious Devon. Spent most of my youth in grimy birmingham. As soon as i was able at 18 I moved to beautiful Herefordshire. Where i remain to this day. Work at Locks Garage, famous for our ice creams. Generally wonderful place.
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