After re-reading through some of my most recent posts, plus some older ones, I realised that I hadn't written much about the subject of my blog, the very reason that I started blogging in the first place, namely Hope and Joy. On Sunday at church the sermon was about Joy, and was given by a vicar who was so obviously full to brimming with joy himself. Made me stop and think about things a bit. He made the point that as Christians in the UK we aren't exactly famed for our abounding joy, that if we were to ask someone on the street to name a quality that they associated with church goers in this country, then joy probably wouldn't be mentioned there. A very good point. More often that not, just as everyone else, I can look rather glum, and feel glum too, but I know that the reasons on my part are usually pretty pathetic in the scheme of things, maybe my future Mother in Law, has chewed my ear off over something and upset me, or MLO had said or done something. The problem is that I then go out, or to work and instead of focusing on the bigger things, I concentrate on the little things, and turn myself from someone who is, and appears to be happy and joyful into someone rather miserable, with a bit of a mood to boot. Not always, but I know more than once I have turned up to church in a rather less than joyful state because I have been upset by something said, and rather than being as friendly and open as I can, I have been rather short with people. I don't intend to though, but I am a bit over emotional at times when I don't mean to be. The result of all that usually ends up with me getting rather mad at myself for behaving like it to people.
So where is the joy, why don't I show it all the time, why cant I always concentrate on God, Jesus and everything that they are in my life, the fact that God is up there dancing away when he thinks of us (that's how the vicar put it anyway, and when he said it I got the most hilarious image of God with all the host of heaven having a right old hoe down, and almost burst out laughing). He asked us how that made us feel, knowing that God was up there celebrating every moment because of us, He loved us that much. I am totally able to accept the fact that Jesus loves me, and I have unfailing faith in that fact, no problem in declaring it, that He is my Saviour, if asked I would gladly say so, and from time to time I could have leapt across the rooftops crying this out, and have been reduced to tears when I have stopped and really thought about it, and there are also occasional days when the whole world full of people is wondrous amazing and beautiful, and I really seem to get it, but there are days when I lose sight of it all, praying becomes a chore rather than something I want and need to do, every little thing upsets me and I become unhappy or rather unjoyful. I need to go and have a good think about it all. I'll get back to you on that.
The last week has been a bit uneventful although I did come down with a rather nasty throat infection over the weekend before last, and by the early hours of last Tuesday I couldn't swallow, it was too painful. I had to take a day off work to go to see a doctor. One problem, I hadn't visited a doctor for over twenty years, and wasn't even sure where I was registered if at all, I certainly wasn't registered in Herefordshire. Unsure what to do, MLO took me to the hospital to see the on duty GP. Got there, and the receptionist said that no-one would see me as I wasn't registered anywhere, and I would have to register at a doctors surgery before I could be seen. My throat at this point felt like it was coated in stones and simultaneously being hacked at with a rusty saw, and not able to swallow, rather uncomfortable. MLO asked for me what would be required, and the receptionist said I would need my passport, birth certificate and any social security things, etc etc. MLO took me on the off chance to his doctors in the nearby village who said, yes I did need to register at that surgery, but all I had to do was fill in a simple form. Once registered they made an appointment for me for that afternoon. One doctor visit later and a prescription for some antibiotics and I was sorted. The throat is still slightly hoarse but doesn't hurt.
Work again Thursday and Friday. Saturday was spent with MLO and Mum wandering round Hereford, didn't do an awful lot though, so cant really say anything on that. Sunday, as it was my weekend off, we went to the morning service, which was a morning worship service rather than communion. Not so many people there compared to the last few times. Vicar got his guitar out and accompanied a couple of the songs with some extremely vigorous strumming. Was a great happy service, MLO was a bit unimpressed, he said it was American type nonsense, and just wasn't Church of England. Oh dear. He is quite happy to go to the village church, but it is getting a struggle to get him to agree to go to the town church. I said its not how we do, that counts but what we do, he gave me a look as if to say don't bring that cliche out on me, and remained completely unimpressed. Still no word on being confirmed, from the pew sheet it seems the vicar still doesn't know when it will be. Didn't have chance for much of a chat after church, still nevermind it will happen when it happens, and as long as it does I'm not really too worried when.
So there you are, all up to date, nothing more to say, except night night and au revoir till next time.

What do I start with today then? Whenever I start to type, I never really have any idea what on earth I will write about, and tend to make it up as I go along. (Not make it up as in make it up, I hasten to add). If that makes sense? Oh well.
The weather has been spectacularly gorgeous for the past couple of days, we really are being spoiled. Give it another week however and I will probably be praying for rain.
Was unexpectedly busy at work this afternoon, after a quiet morning, most of the customers we had, wanted to get petrol for their lawnmowers, so despite being busy customer number wise, we didn't take as much as was hoped, but still not that bad a day.
Mr M came up again for another natter, and to tell me all about a charity tractor drive he did the other day, for the Hereford Lions Club, all around the Herefordshire countryside of Much Marcle, Woolhope, Mordiford and Fownhope. He brought up the map of their route along roads and cross country. Altogether 70 tractors took part. Mainly older smaller tractors. Must have been quite a sight with 70 tractors in convoy heading off over Marcle Ridge. Anyway on his map was our old farm so I enjoyed telling him all about that.
Had quite an odd day yesterday at work. Polished everything in the place, it now smells like a spring bouquet, well thats what it said on the can. Other than that, it was extraordinarily quiet, even by the standard of late. El bosso was in a very queer mood. Only problem is when he is a bit off, everyone else picks up on it, and it can be a pretty uncomfortable place to be and work at, at times like that. Not nice.
Had a bit of an argument with MLOs mother in the morning, well she was arguing, more with herself than anything. She has times like that, we all do, but whereas I tend to disappear off somewhere on my own to stop myself saying something I will regret, she just says the first thing that comes into her head, which frequently is pretty hurtful. So had a bad start to the day. When I got home in the evening, I was a bit frazzled from work, But MLOs mother obviously still had the disagreement in her. I sloped up to bed as I couldn't cope with her going on just then. I had a relatively early night though which was great. Only problem, I got a bit cheesed off, I had had a cruddy day at work, a cruddy start, and finished it on much the same foot, so what did I do? I ended up having a rant at God about the unfairness of it all, really laid into Him, was altogether a not nice person in fact. When I had calmed down, and thought about it all, I felt so crap at what I had thought and said, I ended up hating myself to sleep.
When I was asleep, I had some of the oddest dreams, I don't always remember them, but when I do, I wonder what on earth they were about. One part of it was in a hall somewhere with a large audience, no idea where or why we were there. We were sat at the front and a curly haired blonde man came up with a microphone and said he had better interview me, oh, right I thought ok then. He asked me how I was, so I replied by asking him how he was, at this the people in the hall started laughing, ooh great I thought, I dint have to say much and they love it. Next his comment threw me, "What do you think went wrong with the choir?" at that I replied, no idea, I've got nothing to do with the choir, that threw him then, as in fact I had no idea what choir he was on about. Next we (that is whoever was with me in the dream) were still sat down at the front, and there was an elderly black gentleman sat sideways on to me, he smiled at me, then held my hand, for no apparent reason. However in my dream I didn't mind, and found it very reassuring. Next thing, he leaned forward and whispered to me "Why are you so angry". Now in my dream I wasn't at all angry and said so. For some reason in my dream, I was along a rail line somewhere, on one side were the back walls of houses, and on the other were bushes, trees and a low concrete wall. It was pretty wide, so you could stand at the side as a train went by without worry. In my dream then a whole bunch of children appeared, there must have been twenty or so of them, they were walking right along the line, and in the dream, it was my responsibility to make sure they cleared off the line when a train was coming, we managed for a few, then another train came along that was silent, and by the time I saw it, it was too late, and it went into the children, a group of four boys who I understood to be brothers. They weren't hurt though for some reason. Then I was back home and MLOs mother was laying into me saying I should have looked after them properly, I was feeling bad already without her adding to it. Then I woke up.
One of the oddest and most memorable dreams I have ever had.
But the first thing that came into my mind was the man asking me why I was so angry while he held my hand. I thought about it quite a lot and realised I was angry really, angry at the way people behaved towards me at times, angry at God and angry at and with myself. So I thought about it a bit more, I still haven't really worked it all out of my system yet . I was convinced that I had buggered it up with God, that he wasn't there anymore. A pretty bad place to be to be true. Horrible in fact. I couldn't explain it. Even found it hard to pray this morning. A truly rotten way to be. On my mobile phone I have a copy of the KJV bible, and you can set it to random pick a book or verse. I did that, and it came out with Proverbs 1. After reading that, I didn't know whether it would all be ok, or because of my hot headedness, I was basically doomed. Not ok. I eventually did morning prayer at half ten this morning, via mobile phone and the C of E website. The two psalms (42 and 43) pretty much summed up exactly how I was feeling, after reading them, and the words

"Why are you so full of heaviness, O my soul, •
and why are you so disquieted within me?"
"O put your trust in God; •
for I will yet give him thanks,
who is the help of my countenance, and my God."

I thought about the meaning, and realised I needed to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. Very silly behaviour. After I had thought on these words and everything else and had a stern talk to myself, things got a bit better, God was there, I was too busy wrapped up in my own self pity to notice.
Why do I get like this. I get terrified that I have pushed Him away and lost him for good, that He will be gone from me for good. It's more than I can bear, and nearly tears my heart out. Each and every time I bring it on myself. I start to question God, which to start with , is a bad place to be in., I dig a hole and make it deeper, one day, if I carry on getting like this, I will dig a hole so deep, I will never get out of it. And that scares me. I really need to sort out why I get so angry about things when I am upset. I should be going to God then, not taking it out on him. I need to trust in Him with my whole heart, that's what it is. I obviously still don't do I?
I need quiet time with Him, time for prayer and listening. Stop listening to my own notions, and have faith.

Lord, fill me with love
Like the love that you have for me.
Let me be able to love you, all your people and your creation the same.
Lord, fill me with hope.
A hope for the future, both ours and the earths.
Like the hope you have for us all.
Lord fill me with joy.
Like the joy you have in each one of us, your creation and mankind.
Lord fill me with faith.
A belief in a Heaven on earth.
Just as you have faith in our ability to achieve it.
Most of all Lord.
Fill me with your grace.
That I may fully appreciate the
love, hope joy and faith,
You have for me and for us all.
And that I may also have love, hope, joy and faith.
In you, all people and all the earth.
Amen.

This is only going to be a short Blog today. I am attempting to Blog via my mobile phone, and it a little tedious.
We went to the Ascension day service this evening after work, it was probably the loveliest and most moving, joyous beautiful service I have ever been to. Everyone was beaming at the end of it. Utterly glorious. Some of the congregation from the other church joined in, which also made if feel special. Everything was just so. A wonderful selection of hymns, and the final one sung in candlelight. And a wonderful sermon, starting with a hilarious tale of an American, a chair and thirty weather balloons. I wont tell the whole take here, I max tomorrow when It wont be so late when I post. But the organist was nearly wetting himself.
Am off to bed now, work again tomorrow. Going to bed on a high. Who needs drugs when you have Church? On that note night night. God bless.