What do I start with today then? Whenever I start to type, I never really have any idea what on earth I will write about, and tend to make it up as I go along. (Not make it up as in make it up, I hasten to add). If that makes sense? Oh well.
The weather has been spectacularly gorgeous for the past couple of days, we really are being spoiled. Give it another week however and I will probably be praying for rain.
Was unexpectedly busy at work this afternoon, after a quiet morning, most of the customers we had, wanted to get petrol for their lawnmowers, so despite being busy customer number wise, we didn't take as much as was hoped, but still not that bad a day.
Mr M came up again for another natter, and to tell me all about a charity tractor drive he did the other day, for the Hereford Lions Club, all around the Herefordshire countryside of Much Marcle, Woolhope, Mordiford and Fownhope. He brought up the map of their route along roads and cross country. Altogether 70 tractors took part. Mainly older smaller tractors. Must have been quite a sight with 70 tractors in convoy heading off over Marcle Ridge. Anyway on his map was our old farm so I enjoyed telling him all about that.
Had quite an odd day yesterday at work. Polished everything in the place, it now smells like a spring bouquet, well thats what it said on the can. Other than that, it was extraordinarily quiet, even by the standard of late. El bosso was in a very queer mood. Only problem is when he is a bit off, everyone else picks up on it, and it can be a pretty uncomfortable place to be and work at, at times like that. Not nice.
Had a bit of an argument with MLOs mother in the morning, well she was arguing, more with herself than anything. She has times like that, we all do, but whereas I tend to disappear off somewhere on my own to stop myself saying something I will regret, she just says the first thing that comes into her head, which frequently is pretty hurtful. So had a bad start to the day. When I got home in the evening, I was a bit frazzled from work, But MLOs mother obviously still had the disagreement in her. I sloped up to bed as I couldn't cope with her going on just then. I had a relatively early night though which was great. Only problem, I got a bit cheesed off, I had had a cruddy day at work, a cruddy start, and finished it on much the same foot, so what did I do? I ended up having a rant at God about the unfairness of it all, really laid into Him, was altogether a not nice person in fact. When I had calmed down, and thought about it all, I felt so crap at what I had thought and said, I ended up hating myself to sleep.
When I was asleep, I had some of the oddest dreams, I don't always remember them, but when I do, I wonder what on earth they were about. One part of it was in a hall somewhere with a large audience, no idea where or why we were there. We were sat at the front and a curly haired blonde man came up with a microphone and said he had better interview me, oh, right I thought ok then. He asked me how I was, so I replied by asking him how he was, at this the people in the hall started laughing, ooh great I thought, I dint have to say much and they love it. Next his comment threw me, "What do you think went wrong with the choir?" at that I replied, no idea, I've got nothing to do with the choir, that threw him then, as in fact I had no idea what choir he was on about. Next we (that is whoever was with me in the dream) were still sat down at the front, and there was an elderly black gentleman sat sideways on to me, he smiled at me, then held my hand, for no apparent reason. However in my dream I didn't mind, and found it very reassuring. Next thing, he leaned forward and whispered to me "Why are you so angry". Now in my dream I wasn't at all angry and said so. For some reason in my dream, I was along a rail line somewhere, on one side were the back walls of houses, and on the other were bushes, trees and a low concrete wall. It was pretty wide, so you could stand at the side as a train went by without worry. In my dream then a whole bunch of children appeared, there must have been twenty or so of them, they were walking right along the line, and in the dream, it was my responsibility to make sure they cleared off the line when a train was coming, we managed for a few, then another train came along that was silent, and by the time I saw it, it was too late, and it went into the children, a group of four boys who I understood to be brothers. They weren't hurt though for some reason. Then I was back home and MLOs mother was laying into me saying I should have looked after them properly, I was feeling bad already without her adding to it. Then I woke up.
One of the oddest and most memorable dreams I have ever had.
But the first thing that came into my mind was the man asking me why I was so angry while he held my hand. I thought about it quite a lot and realised I was angry really, angry at the way people behaved towards me at times, angry at God and angry at and with myself. So I thought about it a bit more, I still haven't really worked it all out of my system yet . I was convinced that I had buggered it up with God, that he wasn't there anymore. A pretty bad place to be to be true. Horrible in fact. I couldn't explain it. Even found it hard to pray this morning. A truly rotten way to be. On my mobile phone I have a copy of the KJV bible, and you can set it to random pick a book or verse. I did that, and it came out with Proverbs 1. After reading that, I didn't know whether it would all be ok, or because of my hot headedness, I was basically doomed. Not ok. I eventually did morning prayer at half ten this morning, via mobile phone and the C of E website. The two psalms (42 and 43) pretty much summed up exactly how I was feeling, after reading them, and the words

"Why are you so full of heaviness, O my soul, •
and why are you so disquieted within me?"
"O put your trust in God; •
for I will yet give him thanks,
who is the help of my countenance, and my God."

I thought about the meaning, and realised I needed to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. Very silly behaviour. After I had thought on these words and everything else and had a stern talk to myself, things got a bit better, God was there, I was too busy wrapped up in my own self pity to notice.
Why do I get like this. I get terrified that I have pushed Him away and lost him for good, that He will be gone from me for good. It's more than I can bear, and nearly tears my heart out. Each and every time I bring it on myself. I start to question God, which to start with , is a bad place to be in., I dig a hole and make it deeper, one day, if I carry on getting like this, I will dig a hole so deep, I will never get out of it. And that scares me. I really need to sort out why I get so angry about things when I am upset. I should be going to God then, not taking it out on him. I need to trust in Him with my whole heart, that's what it is. I obviously still don't do I?
I need quiet time with Him, time for prayer and listening. Stop listening to my own notions, and have faith.

Lord, fill me with love
Like the love that you have for me.
Let me be able to love you, all your people and your creation the same.
Lord, fill me with hope.
A hope for the future, both ours and the earths.
Like the hope you have for us all.
Lord fill me with joy.
Like the joy you have in each one of us, your creation and mankind.
Lord fill me with faith.
A belief in a Heaven on earth.
Just as you have faith in our ability to achieve it.
Most of all Lord.
Fill me with your grace.
That I may fully appreciate the
love, hope joy and faith,
You have for me and for us all.
And that I may also have love, hope, joy and faith.
In you, all people and all the earth.
Amen.

Today it rained, not before time too. But rain being rain, even if it is welcome it is never really welcome. We always moan about it, no matter how long we have been without it, or how much we need it, if I commented on the weather to someone and mentioned the rain, at least half of the replies I would get would be "it always rains in this country". It must be a British thing to say, at the least it IS a very British thing to constantly talk about the weather. It is not a stereotype either, we really do. Most often the first thing we will say in a conversation will along the lines of "Ooh, isn't the weather nice/nasty/hot/cold/windy/still today". I think it is part of our national psyche.

Anyway. I had another day off work (Aren't I the lucky one), although by the end of the week I will still have managed to rack up 49 hours worth, so I am not being lazy or anything. The weather conditions put paid to any gardening or outdoor tasks today, and also scuppered my chance of doing any more clothes washing, as I couldn't dry them (and I absolutely refuse to buy a tumble drier - wasteful things).
So the day was spent indoors. I didn't even cook, MLOs mother did that today, so had shepherds pie and cabbage for lunch, and a cheese and onion sandwich for my tea. The height of sophistication really :-).
I have actually spent a large proportion of this evening on the internet browsing around and not doing much in particular. I did find a couple of websites that were quite useful and downloaded a few new brushes for photoshop, downloaded a theme maker for my, and MLOs mobile phones, and quite a bit of time on Twitter. I love that website, it is really enjoyable seeing what everyone is up to. Brilliant way of doing it, and I really like the fact you cant go above 140 characters, I think if anything it makes you more likely to tweet as you never have to go into too much detail about what you are doing.
It is late again, so most definitely time for bed. Have said prayers etc, it has been a nice peaceful calm day today God was most certainly there with me today, a calmness I would find it hard to describe, and such a feeling of peace. Beautiful. I love God, I love Jesus and I love the Holy Spirit, I love everyone and I love the world. I really love everything.
On that note night night.

Had a really good and enjoyable day yesterday. Mum came down on the train from Birmingham to Hereford. I had a little idea that rather than spending the whole day traipsing round Hereford, we would do something different, so we caught the train to Leominster.
Leominster is a small town about 12 miles northish of Hereford, quite sweet, and quiet. There are not that many shops in there, but what there is is plenty, and there is also a large supermarket on the edge of Leominster. Thee farmers market was in the square when we got there, so had a good mooch round that, didn't see anything I really wanted or needed, so went without buying a thing. After a short wander round, we decided it was time for a cup of tea, so called in at a little deli in the town, which sells all manner of lovely stuff. A lovely pot of tea was served, with little short breads on the side. We each got two cups out of the pot, and the total was only £1.90 for the two of us. Highly recommend it. Wandered around a little more, then Mum decided she wanted to go to the Priory Church , so we tootled off there for a mooch.
The Priory was much the same as I remembered it from last time, lovely building but a bit of an odd layout inside, but still very lovely.
Caught the train back to Hereford at half past one. From the station, we walked up into town, when mum declared that she was feeling hungry. Normally, we would have gone to the Cafe at All Saints, but I thought we could have a change for once, so we went to the Debenhams cafe in Maylord Orchards. Quite odd that we have one really,as we don't actually ave a Debenhams store in town. Anyway, mum had macaroni cheese, chips and peas, and I had fish, chips and peas. Surprisingly yummy.
Once lunch was over and done with, we nipped into TKMaxx to see what bargains there were to be had. Nothing doing there, so proceeded off to the rest of town. A couple of hours later, and both of us were thirsty so we went to M&S for a cold drink, and a sit down.
Went to Tesco in town then to meet up with MLO from work. Mum caught the 8 o clock train back to Birmingham, and we came home. Had felafel's, salad wrap for my tea, and had a relatively early night for once.
On to today, up at 7 to go to church. Because, I had swapped my weekends over, when I get to the morning service every other week, instead of being a more modern service from common worship, it is an old fashioned service fron Common book of Prayer. I am slightly annoyed about it as I have come to prefer the other service, but I cant do anything about it unfortunately. MLO was overjoyed though, he prefers the older style service, and he also didn't have to endure The Peace, as he hates it.

Was an extremely good sermon today, really gave us something to get our teeth into, about Jesus being the vine, and us, the branches. If we don't completely give our lives to Jesus, then we are effectively pruned of, and will shrink and wither, but in living for Jesus, our branch will grow, and other branches will grow from us eventually. In time, the branches will grow so strong that they cannot easily be pruned, or broken.
Most enjoyable service indeed. Unfortunately, there was such a crowd of people around (probably due to the fact that is was a Common Prayer service) that there wasn't ant chance to talk with the vicar. Will most definitely either phone or e-mail now. Cant see how else to do it.
Got home just after nine, unfortunately MLO had to go back out to help out a friend for a few hours at 10 not sure when he will be back, but hope he isn't too much longer. Spent a couple of hours in the garden this morning planting up a few pots and stuff, haven't done much since though. Will go and get Sunday lunch (dinner by the time we have it) on the go soon. We are eating late because of MLO being out.
Today has been a lovely day altogether. One of those days when you feel God right there with you. I have felt so peaceful and incredibly happy ever since I woke up, I am absolutely loving life, and loving, living life today. God truly is great.
If anyone reads this, who maybe doesn't believe, just take some time to find out. No one will laugh, no one even has to know. Life can be ok , or good without Jesus, but with him it will be great. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I do not say this to rack up numbers, or to prove somthing, or even because I have been told to, but simply because I want everyone to share what it is to believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, to know the love that God has for you, it is truly amazing, and makes me sad that more people don't know that love in their lives. God IS love. To know Him is to love Him. These are not hollow words, just written and spoken for their own sake, but are full of meaning for those who say them. Please, give God a chance, he loves you more than you will ever truly know, and all he asks for in return is your love back.

How useless am I? somehow I once again failed to update my blog last night. One small consolation is the fact that I did at least post during the daytime. As indeed I am now.
It was mayfair in Hereford last night, and the smell of onions and hotdogs and fairrides was too much to resist. So we had a really good wander round. Unlike most fairs the mayfair in Hereford is held in the city center along the streets and in the middle. The was even a carousel spinning round just inches away from the cathedral. Got a lovely picture of it on MLO's phone. Will try to post it later.

Anyway we had done the shopping before we went round the fair, and after our wander we didnt get home until well after nine. So ate very late. Still it was worth the wait. I had the steak that I was wanting from the other night with a lovely tomato and onion salad. Delicious. MLO has faggots mash and peas. With gravy of course.
Back to this morning and it has been fairly busy so far, which is wonderful. Bit bloomin chilly though, but at least the sun is shining.
I have this weekend off now so will be meeting up with mum tomorrow. Will probably convince her to come down here as rather selfishly I dont want the hassle of going up there. Besides she prefers to come down here anyway. Might just catch a bus somewhere, or even the train to Leominster or Ludlow. Not sure yet which we will do.
If the vicar is present on Sunday will try to get to talk to him. Doubt it somehow though, as there is usually a bit of a conveyor belt of people saying goodbye to us so we cant usually hang around. We will see though.
For a while the pull seemed to quieten down but the last few days it has been getting stronger and stronger. It feels if I dont say something soon it will make me explode. I am full up. I have to tell people. I want people to know how wonderful it all is. I cant help it. It is like when if you are with someone, when you look at then and feel that burst of love for them in your heart, its like that but all the time. It is amazing wonderful and joyous, but too much to keep contained. I feel compelled to tell everyone and to share it. But I also know I need to tell the vicar.
I was originally worried silly what he and anyone else would think, but that seems to have faded away the past few days. It wasnt the right time to say anything any earlier, I think that was the problem and why I felt so uncertain about it all. Now feels like the right time.
Anyway. Had better get back and get some work done. Blogging from my mobile takes a bit longer than via computer, and I have been at it for several minutes.so ttfn etc etc etc.

Well, it is Easter day, so Happy Easter to you all. If anyone reads this that is. Anyway, we went to the Easter Vigil last night, the first time the Church we go to had done it, it went very well, and was a really lovely service. Candles lit from the paschal candle flickering in the church with no other light was immensely beautiful. We had a wonderful long silence in the beginning, but I think a few people got a bit uncomfortable with it being so long, especially the other half, he said he cannot stand there being no noise, and doesnt know what to do with himself when it is quiet.
We were also treated to the use of incense, which was very welcome as I lurve the smell of it, I am also pretty sure it can make you slightly high, but have no proof of that, It just makes you feel lovely and mellow. The choir was brought out from wherever it had been hiding too.
The readings were well read, apart from one woman who was a little nervous and a lot of what she said was mumbled, which made understanding her quite difficult at times, but nevermind.
When it came to renewing Baptismal vows, as I am not Baptised yet, I had to duck out, but as I was absolutely deperate for the loo at the time, that was rather convenient, another lady decided to join me so didnt feel too bad about leaving the church at that point. Wasnt too long and came back just in time for The Peace.
As it was a pretty special service, I also ducked out from going up for a blessing, as I felt it would disrupt things a little, so stayed sat down.
Two or so hours later and it was all over (the service that is) , Christ had risen and all were joyful, except for a few of the older generation who were there, who glared at us as they were leaving, perhaps they resented us having the audacity and front to come to "Their" church, not sure what their beef was, and as they chose not to talk to us, I doubt we'll find out either. But there you go, I think people like that are the reason that a lot of churches in this country are dying. It takes a lot of courage for some people to get up and go to a church, and to then be greeted with that kind of attitude, is a really big shame, and quite likely to deter even the most commited souls from returning there. That is probably also why the bigger more modern type of church is doing well, everyone is accepted, and for the most part people are welcoming, plus the fact that the music is more relevant to most people today, with that, the more traditional church, combined with the possible bad attitude of some of its congregation (although obviously not all churches), doesnt really stand a chance. Such a shame.
Anyway, as I was having to work this morning (dont ask), I couldnt get to the morning service, luckily for me though is the fact that there is always a 6:00pm service at the Vicars other church too, so went to that one.
The church was rather busier that it usually is, and a few young children about the place, so nice and lively (and noisy). Had the candle lighting at the beginning of the service, so church all in darkness (sort of anyway as it was still light outside). The first part of the the service was then by candlelight which again was rather lovely, much more intimate and involving. A wonderful choice of singable hymns, finishing off with "Thine be the Glory" what more rousing conclusion to a service could there be than that. Love it. Brilliant.
Cant get my head round the Vicar though, as he processed to the back of the church with the Paschal candle, he gave a lovely big smile to us, but when we were going, he seemed upset with us, I know that I am probably reading too much into it, but he only seems to have three moods for when he is meeting and greeting the congregation, absolute joy, bemusement or downright annoyed, never can tell which mood you will get. But as I said, I am probably too sensetive for my own good and am always convinced people will think the worst of me, so thats probably it.
I was planning to corner him today for a chat about being Baptised and Confirmed, but even though we did hang around a bit after the service had ended, there was still lots of people there, so decided against it. Will try to catch him at the next service. Hopefully anyway.
It is getting to the point where I have to tell him about why I want to be Baptised and Confirmed, it is a need that is pulling and tearing at me to do it, I cannot explain any better than that, almost a desperation to do something about it, an ache and a longing, a need. I cannot imagine ever doing anything else now it fills me up completely, it is pulling out from me in every direction at once and pulling in towards me at the same time.
My problem is though, that I constantly worry what other people think about me, so i am so so worried that the Vicar will think I am a tit.
I have a mother in law (future anyway) who is the most judgemental, selfish and vindictive person I have ever encountered too, so consequently I have not told her a thing about how I feel, and am pretty certain about what her reaction will be, not good.
I can do nothing to please her. I do everything she asks and more, but it is never ever enough. She just doesnt like the fact that I am with her son you would have thought that 13 1/2 years later she would have got used to it, but no. I am blanked out from everything in her life, and some of my dearest others too. but there we are, enough moaning for today.
I shouldnt moan I know, its just so much to get my head round, Half the time I want to shout out how wonderful it all is, and the other half, I am constantly questioning whether I'll be able to do it, or what everyone else will think.
AAAARRRRGHHHHHH. Thats all I have to say on that right now.
Night night.