Today has been one of those "everything is wonderful"  kind of days for me, I can't put my finger on why it should be so, but am genuinely enjoying it while it lasts. I know from experience, that For every brilliant day, there will be a day that is a bit of a struggle.
The one thing I cannot understand is why exactly I should feel like it. Today, for me, the future is filled with possibilities, and joy at the prospect of them, but when I feel low, I am terrified that no-one will take me seriously, or tell me I am not good enough to ever dream of becoming a vicar, or even worse tell me that I am imagining it all, and that I am in fact ever so slightly deluded. What worries me even more about that last thought is that perhaps they are right, and that I am in fact deluded, and that everything I have felt, and what I believe God has planned for me, are nothing more than an elaborate and deceiving product of my own imagination, embellished with each passing year, until I really believe it myself. I know in my heart of hearts that that isn't the case, but it doesn't stop me from worrying.
I really need to talk to someone, the vicar would be ideal, just have no idea how to go about bringing the subject up.
Today has also been one of those days when things seem to want to take a further step. Something is pulling me along, but for the last few weeks has been constant and steady, a carry on as you were kind of thing. But today during Church, it was like something hit me in my heart, not in a bad way mind, just a big jolt. I was sure that what the vicar was saying in his sermon was just for me that the words were aimed directly at me, now while I know that wasn't the case it still felt like it. And when he said certain things in his sermon, I would swear he looked straight at me when he said them, almost like he knew how I felt, it felt like he was looking straight through my soul, bizarre and slightly unsettling really, but not in a bad way. At that point what it is that is in me, pulling me along, suddenly went up a gear, right get a move on, you have to do something now. Get involved at the church helping out, anything in fact just get off your complacent a#*e and get moving. It's like butterflies in my stomach but a thousand times stronger, the anticipation of what the future may hold is roaring round my heart. The strangest feeling imaginable, again, not bad though, a pretty amazing and wonderful feeling in fact. Its like I am being expected to do something, I am just not certain what.
I am both perplexed by it all and reassured at the same time, perplexed because it is still all a bit "no way" for me, but reassured that wherever I get led, it will be the right place to be.
Yesterday, as I previously said, I went up to Birmingham to see mum for the day.We had decided (MLO and I that is) whilst on the train that we would pay a visit to Lichfield from Birmingham as it is a lovely little city. Before we went there though we went on a wander of Birmingham once we had met up with my mum. We ended up at the Roman Catholic Cathedral of St Chad. This is a fairly modern (so far as Cathedrals go) building, but inside is so immensely beautiful. When we got there the place was half full of people praying, so we decided it wouldn't be the best idea to go round it taking pictures and doing touristy stuff. So, we stood at the back and just looked from there. The place had a lovely welcoming air about it though which was lovely, as I sometimes find Roman Catholic cathedrals and churches cold and impersonal, but then I suppose it's just me. We went into the bookshop then. Wow tonnes of books in there.
We walked back into town and went to catch the train to Lichfield from there. We took a nice slow leisurely stroll up to the cathedral and had lunch in the cathedral cafe. The food there is always nice, and fairly cheap too. It is in a lovely building across the road from the cathedral, and is full of little rooms here and there, plus a lovely conservatory to sit in and a big garden at the back with lots of tables.
Once we had finished lunch we went into the cathedral itself. There was a choir practising for a concert that night, so on our wander round we were accompanied by heavenly music. MLO and I parted company,
so I continued round with mum. Once we had finished wandering we went in search of MLO so I could show him the pictures I had taken on my phone. Once we found each other we sat down in the pews to listen to the choir and look at the pics. Next thing we knew, an old lady came wandering along the side. In front she was pushing a trolley that was full of icons and crosses. As she went she was talking away, and seemed a happy old soul. The she saw the choir, and the director, and stood up front just to the side of them, and waved her arms about as if she were conducting them, and then started to give them advice on how to sing. At that, several people who were sat in the pews listening like us, started to laugh, which was hardly surprising as it was pretty funny. She then sidled over to the director, and I think she was giving him directions. Anyway the choir started up again, and at that point the old lady gave an enormously big flourishy bow. The choir were trying so hard not to burst out laughing at the eccentric old lady, and everyone in the pews was in hysterics. Brilliant. She then wandered off on her own somewhere.
From the cathedral we went across the road to the cathedral gift shop, inside there was a pretty well stocked bookshop, as well as the other usual gifts. MLO found a little pin badge that he said he was going to get me as it was so sweet. in the middle was a bright yellow smiley face, and round the edge it said "Smile Jesus loves you", which tickled MLO no end, and indeed made us smile. So I put it on my jacket when we left. Back in Brum, MLO made an executive decision, he wanted to catc the 19:20 train back rather than the 21:00. So we went to the loo etc went ant bought a sandwich and water for our tea, and caught the train home. Was a beautiful day weatherwise, and enjoyment wise.
After church this morning we went into Hereford for a stroll along the river. As we got there the bells were ringing out for the end of the 08:00 service, and as we got back from our walk they were ringing for the start of the 10:00 am service. On our walk we saw the new river defence, which was nowhere near as bad as I had imagined it to be. Three very friendly ducks that literally walked right up to me, although the little lady duck was rather henpecked (duckpecked?) with all the feathers missing of the top of her head. Poor thing. Next we were heading up to the castle green, and we saw a squirrel. I made a kiss kiss noise at it and it came running straight up towards us, then leapt into the tree above us, and proceeded to pose for pictures. Cheeky little rodent.
This evening we had a barbecue, the first one this year. It was lovely. Very very enjoyable.
It is now after one o clock in the morning, and I really should be in bed. But MLO had just brought me in a cup of coffee, which I will drink before I go. Up early again tomorrow. I have asked MLO if we can go for another walk as neither of us have work to go to, but I think he has his heart set on going to the Hay Festival, we could do both though if we set off early enough. We could go over Hay Bluff, and by Llanthony Priory for a walk or round there. As the nights are drawing out now the days last longer and we can do a lot more than a couple of months ago , which is great.
Anyhoo. It really is bedtime now, so I will sign off with a wave and a God Bless. Night night.