Today was the day when I had to go and see the vicar for a chat. Not quite sure why, but I was a little nervous, I shouldn't have been. The aim of the chat was to sort out why I wanted to be baptised and confirmed. That's what I had assumed anyway. Not sure exactly what happened though. We did talk about it for a few minutes, but not long at all, although this was probably just my fault, when he asked me why? The best answer I could give him, was that it was something I felt that I needed to do, fully expecting him to ask me to be a bit more specific, or that he would think I was being a bit flakey. Instead, after I had apologised for not being able to describe it in a more precise way, or define my thoughts more accurately, he actually said that it was great that I had such a strong feeling in me. "oh ....ok.., I thought. I was so relieved when he said that. I was dreading what I was going to say, and in the end just told him what I really thought and felt, and it was fine, and he was fine about it too. Then, the conversation veered offtrack somehow, I now know more than I ever wished to know about the parish finances, how much the parish share is each year, which was shockingly large, what the annual turnover is, how the PCC goes about it's business, and other stuff like how many staff they employ for the various concerns,  and the fact that he is run off his feet, waiting for a curate, but apparently he is still waiting to hear about that one. He is getting a youth worker from Buckingham way in September I think he said, and then said rather than saving him work, it will just add to his workload. He also said he has to spend far more time doing paperwork than he would wish, and couldn't spend as much time out and about the parish as he wanted. Apparently the parish of the town church includes over 12,000 people, several schools and a hospital. That is a lot of people to get round. Maybe he was just telling me all this to see if he could scare me away from the idea of being a priest? He then told me about the direction he wanted to take the church (and gave me a little printout to illustrate the point). In particular, he wanted to involve everyone in the service, including preaching etc, but not doing communion, obviously. He said last Sunday at the 10 am service two people took it, who were a bit like me (slightly bizarre, far too colourfully dressed and oh so slightly mad?), but no,  he said who were looking to perhaps become priests one day.  He then asked me a few other things about where God had been in my life, and also said, due to the Bishop being rather busy, it could be months before I am baptised and confirmed, and asked if I was ok with that. Which I was, it will give me time to attempt to get my head round exactly what it means. He said that he wanted me to be done in a regular service, either at the country church or the town church, and to do the both together, which is kind of what I had assumed would happen anyway, but it seems that he has special services for baptisms of babies each week in addition to the normal church services, and that he was fully booked up until the end of  January. He then mentioned how I felt about other stuff, and what I felt I should do, and I said to him that I really felt I needed to be baptised and confirmed before I started to think about going anywhere with that,  he than said "So you want to take it at your own pace then?", and I nodded, he said that was great and fine also.  

At a point in the chat I said where I was born, where I had been to church before etc, and then strangely enough he asked me if I had been baptised before, what sort of a question was that, why did he think I was there. Even more odd was his reaction when I told him no; he was genuinely surprised. I'm mystified to say the least, but there you go. 

We talked about other things, and at one point, after I had said that I had never met my father, not that I remember anyway, he said that his father had left them when he was three years old, he seemed quite sad about it, wheras I, never having known him, and my mother never talking about him never really missed him. Although I did attempt to trace him a few years back, I thought at the time, I should find out who he was and is. But realised that so long had passed, and he could be a happily married man with a family, and I really wasn't all that worried, so stopped looking. The vicar then went on to say that a good thing for me to do, would be to write something on where I have felt God has been throughout my life, and my life in general, including any issues I may have secretly locked away inside, and to try and work them all out to know myself better. He said he did this when he first started looking and it helped him a lot. So I will have a go at that.

He ended the chat asking if I would like to pray with him, yes please I answered, and he said the loveliest prayer about God being in my life, asking him to guide me thanking him for the grace that he had given me. Problem is, I can't remember all of what he said my mind is a blank on that. I remember it was very moving though, and remember that God was most definitely there at that time, which was astoundingly wonderful, and great and lovely and marvelous. So I left him a little over an hour after I had arrived, feeling so at peace, more so that I have done for a long time. I thanked him for praying and for his time, and he seemed a little bemused. I also apologised for maybe not doing as much talking as I should, and not saying very much, he replied by saying,"No, that's fine you said quite a lot". When?  I thought. Unless he was being metaphorical, in which case I don't know what to think. 

He did talk about the 10am service a lot, so may just go along to see what that is all about, he says he gets about 150 - 180 usually, and has a lot more modern hymns. Only problem is, it also has projectors a band and a drumkit, which I am extremely dubious of. But the thought of singing away with a church literally full of other people is certainly appealing, just have to convince MLO to ignore the drumkit etc (He would be BCP all the way if he had a choice), he thinks I am am bit hippyfied for preferring Common Worship. 

Yesterday was good at church very very enjoyable. Started the service with one of my very favourite hymns, Lord of all hopefulness had a really brilliant sermon,and three more great hymns. Was quite amusing when we got there, another lady who we hadn't seen before greeted us and asked us if we were visiting.  Twice we have been asked that recently, despite going there regularly for almost four months, more and more people keep popping up, I don't doubt we will be asked again. The last hymns we sang was "O Jesus we have promised, to serve thee to the end" an utterly lovely hymn, whose words seemed very meaningful to me, as I am sure they do to everyone, but after the sermon and everything else, the words seem to speak to me there and then. For some reason, I happened to look towards the front, where the vicar was doing his tidying up thing, and he gave a huge cheesy grin at me, as if to say that ones for you. Now I don't for one moment think that,  but it certainly made me smile so much it was difficult to sing. 

Have even started to enjoy the peace at the country church, going so far as to mill around trying to make sure I get to everyone else, I think it's because it really is a lovely joyful thing with everyone being really genuinely happy to wish everyone else peace with a huge smile on their face. It doesn't feel at all false, just completely natural and lovely. You wouldn't have got me out of the pew a while ago for love nor money. At the town church though the peace (at the 8 am service) has usually felt like it is merely being endured by the congregation, and there is not much joy in it except for the one couple there, the one of whom used to teach MLO at school.

Anyway that's all I can remember for now, and I really need to get to bed, as I have to be at work in seven hours, so night night.

Well, here we are, Wednesday again. Although as I type, it is still Tuesday night as far as I am concerned.

We have had a couple of interesting days weather wise here. Monday was lovely up until about ten last night, and the heavens opened. Blimey, I have never seen rain so heavy in all my life. Within half a minute, the water was 3 inches deep outside the front door, it could not drain away fast enough. The gutters were all overflowing, even though they are clean. Mad rain. Then came the thunder and lightning. Pretty spectacular. Very cool when the thunder booms and you can still hear it ages later as it rolls around and echoes off the surrounding hills. The lightning was the sort that lights up the whole sky, the odd thing about it was I was sure I could smell it. Very peculiar indeed. The weather lasted a couple of hours, then faded away into nothing, and Tuesday started off with bright glorious sunshine. That's how the day stayed too, got fairly warm this afternoon, and has started to feel humid, so no doubt we will be getting rain tomorrow.

Had to put the price of petrol up again by four pence per litre. The price now stands at £1.08 per litre for both diesel and unleaded petrol. So, understandably custom was down yet again. as far as I can gather, so my boss informs me anyway,  the so called shortage was actually engineered by the oil companies in this country in order to  push the price up. Rather underhanded if it is true, and even seems slightly illegal to me, but then I know nothing about the laws of this country, so am probably completely wrong, still doesn't seem right though.

Other than the price of fuel not much to tell about work. A couple of our farmer customers stopped by for fuel and a bit of a chat. A lot of the talk was about Dairy Farmers of Britain. Quite a few local farmers were part of the cooperative, and quite apart from the fact that they wont be paid for the milk they produced last month, a lot also had money invested in the company, just four I know of will have lost between them almost half a million pounds. Money that they could not afford to lose. The amount of jobs that are expected to be lost in the company, and also on farms where staff can no longer be paid, is expected to exceed the total job loss at LDV, there will be no government help for the farmers here though. Farmers and farming seem to be last in the list of government priorities.

Vicar rang up yesterday evening, but for some reason my mobile didn't ring just went straight to answerphone, and then didn't inform me until over an hour later, otherwise I could have rung back. I have managed to wheedle out of MLO some more info on what he may or may not have said. Seems he did say something. What do I say to the vicar now? I feel like running for cover and hiding under a pile of rocks about it all. I really wanted to leave it quite a while yet before anything was said, and now it is all wrong. Much too soon. But hey, maybe it is the right time, and I just haven't realised it yet, maybe it's what should happen. I wont know till I call the vicar back, just have no idea what to say?  There I go again, worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I'm pretty good at that lately. If MLO did say what I am now pretty certain he did say, I can't pretend that he was lying, or making it up. Bummer. I actually ended up listening to the answerphone message more than once, to see what I could pick up from the tone of his voice, and attempt to figure out what he was thinking. No use though, I think the only thing I found out, is that he probably doesn't like answerphones.

I Will call back tomorrow, all he said was that, unfortunately his evenings in June were pretty much taken up already, and would like to have a chat with me, left his study number, and said he looked forward to hearing from me soon.  If I can't get through before Sunday, it will be a little awkward in church, I know that. 

Oh what the heck. I could be knocked down by a bus tomorrow, I will just go wherever I am taken.  Forget about worrying, and what people think, I should be out there screaming from the rooftops. That's even how I feel sometimes. 

 I am going to stop now, if I carry on I will tie my brain up in knots. Am off to bed after a couple of games of minesweeper. So night night everyone.

Today was a lovely busy day at work, had lots and lots of lovely customers coming in,. Had a few stop and have nice long chats too, so the day went really pretty well indeed. I love days like this.
Paddy the old goat, came along for his usual, a bunch of the free newspapers and a good old moan. He only ever moans about the same things each time, but it seems to make him feel a bit better about stuff, so that's OK. Mr M also came up for a natter, he has been on a bit of a spending spree of late, after a 40 year saving plan came to maturity. Poor man doesn't quite know what to make of all the money he has, as he has been used to living pretty much on the breadline as a small farmer (he's not small, the farm is :-) ). He is now the proud owner of a 32" flat screen television and a DVD player. You'd think he was the richest man on earth, he is so ecstatically happy that he is able to afford things like that now, even things that most people take for granted, such as the TV and DVD player. I'm pretty sure he has splashed out on a new set of overalls too. Bless his little cotton socks.
Mr B also came a visiting, he doesn't come up as often these days, he recently had a new knee, which has so far proved to be more trouble than his original, and has spent most of his time since having it done going in a and out of hospital, and doctors surgeries. Anyway he got talking about the local wildlife that he has tamed. He has several tame squirrels that will walk into his house and go and sit on his lap when he is on the computer or watching television, they don't even mind visitors round them. He also has several birds that have become very tame , including a jay, robins, blackbirds and blue tits. He has videoed them all over the years, and he says that whenever the animals breed, the offspring are naturally tame, as they pick it up from their parents, and will bring their young to him. Something of a Doctor Doolittle. He obviously loves the animals, and that is probably why they trust him more than most. None of the other customers stopped for more than a couple of minutes.
Mr Boss was pleased with the total for the day, so that was nice. He is a very different person when he is in a good and happy mood, to when he is not. Unfortunately he always seems to be in a not so happy mood lately, but I suppose that is hardly surprising given the fact that we haven't exactly been overrun with custom lately.
I have been in a happy happy mood today, the sun was out again, so maybe that had something to do with it, and God really makes me smile. 
Anyway. Time for bed methinks. So goodnight, and God bless.

Ok. I have decided. Made a decision. Etc etc etc. If I dont get to talk with the vicar, I will chill. I will not fret. Wont panic or get worried or anxious. I will just go with the flow and see where it takes me. If it takes me somewhere I wasnt expecting then I will go with that. And if I dont end up where I hope I end up, then I guess thats what God wants, so I will be glad about it.
The sun is just breaking through the clouds as I write this, warming up the place after the cold wet start. A sign of a more promising day ahead.
Maybe it will encourage a few more customers to venture out. Has been a little miserable and lonely here without the regulars coming in for a chat and a moan. I seem to be the local agony aunt stroke mobile and computer person stroke weather girl lately. Not that I mind I think it is rather lovely and sweet that they think I will be able to help them. Plus it is a good excuse for a long chat.