Well, it is Easter day, so Happy Easter to you all. If anyone reads this that is. Anyway, we went to the Easter Vigil last night, the first time the Church we go to had done it, it went very well, and was a really lovely service. Candles lit from the paschal candle flickering in the church with no other light was immensely beautiful. We had a wonderful long silence in the beginning, but I think a few people got a bit uncomfortable with it being so long, especially the other half, he said he cannot stand there being no noise, and doesnt know what to do with himself when it is quiet.
We were also treated to the use of incense, which was very welcome as I lurve the smell of it, I am also pretty sure it can make you slightly high, but have no proof of that, It just makes you feel lovely and mellow. The choir was brought out from wherever it had been hiding too.
The readings were well read, apart from one woman who was a little nervous and a lot of what she said was mumbled, which made understanding her quite difficult at times, but nevermind.
When it came to renewing Baptismal vows, as I am not Baptised yet, I had to duck out, but as I was absolutely deperate for the loo at the time, that was rather convenient, another lady decided to join me so didnt feel too bad about leaving the church at that point. Wasnt too long and came back just in time for The Peace.
As it was a pretty special service, I also ducked out from going up for a blessing, as I felt it would disrupt things a little, so stayed sat down.
Two or so hours later and it was all over (the service that is) , Christ had risen and all were joyful, except for a few of the older generation who were there, who glared at us as they were leaving, perhaps they resented us having the audacity and front to come to "Their" church, not sure what their beef was, and as they chose not to talk to us, I doubt we'll find out either. But there you go, I think people like that are the reason that a lot of churches in this country are dying. It takes a lot of courage for some people to get up and go to a church, and to then be greeted with that kind of attitude, is a really big shame, and quite likely to deter even the most commited souls from returning there. That is probably also why the bigger more modern type of church is doing well, everyone is accepted, and for the most part people are welcoming, plus the fact that the music is more relevant to most people today, with that, the more traditional church, combined with the possible bad attitude of some of its congregation (although obviously not all churches), doesnt really stand a chance. Such a shame.
Anyway, as I was having to work this morning (dont ask), I couldnt get to the morning service, luckily for me though is the fact that there is always a 6:00pm service at the Vicars other church too, so went to that one.
The church was rather busier that it usually is, and a few young children about the place, so nice and lively (and noisy). Had the candle lighting at the beginning of the service, so church all in darkness (sort of anyway as it was still light outside). The first part of the the service was then by candlelight which again was rather lovely, much more intimate and involving. A wonderful choice of singable hymns, finishing off with "Thine be the Glory" what more rousing conclusion to a service could there be than that. Love it. Brilliant.
Cant get my head round the Vicar though, as he processed to the back of the church with the Paschal candle, he gave a lovely big smile to us, but when we were going, he seemed upset with us, I know that I am probably reading too much into it, but he only seems to have three moods for when he is meeting and greeting the congregation, absolute joy, bemusement or downright annoyed, never can tell which mood you will get. But as I said, I am probably too sensetive for my own good and am always convinced people will think the worst of me, so thats probably it.
I was planning to corner him today for a chat about being Baptised and Confirmed, but even though we did hang around a bit after the service had ended, there was still lots of people there, so decided against it. Will try to catch him at the next service. Hopefully anyway.
It is getting to the point where I have to tell him about why I want to be Baptised and Confirmed, it is a need that is pulling and tearing at me to do it, I cannot explain any better than that, almost a desperation to do something about it, an ache and a longing, a need. I cannot imagine ever doing anything else now it fills me up completely, it is pulling out from me in every direction at once and pulling in towards me at the same time.
My problem is though, that I constantly worry what other people think about me, so i am so so worried that the Vicar will think I am a tit.
I have a mother in law (future anyway) who is the most judgemental, selfish and vindictive person I have ever encountered too, so consequently I have not told her a thing about how I feel, and am pretty certain about what her reaction will be, not good.
I can do nothing to please her. I do everything she asks and more, but it is never ever enough. She just doesnt like the fact that I am with her son you would have thought that 13 1/2 years later she would have got used to it, but no. I am blanked out from everything in her life, and some of my dearest others too. but there we are, enough moaning for today.
I shouldnt moan I know, its just so much to get my head round, Half the time I want to shout out how wonderful it all is, and the other half, I am constantly questioning whether I'll be able to do it, or what everyone else will think.
AAAARRRRGHHHHHH. Thats all I have to say on that right now.
Night night.